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ASK A MEXICAN!

by Gustavo Arellano

These are the winners in the ‘¡Ask a Mexican! Tortilla Contest

SEATTLE

Any tortilla mi abuelita makes is good.

ST. LOUIS

Corn tortillas are superior. Flour tortillas were only invented because stupid gringos were getting sick of eating corn tortillas because they forgot the lime water step.

PHILADELPHIA

I cannot pick one Corn or flour I have won. I love my torts! Yum!

NEW YORK

Corn tortillas come from the domain of the Aztec diosa Chicomecoátl. Has anyone heard of a goddess of flour? Flour tortillas are malnourished arepas. ‘¡Guacala!

SALT LAKE CITY

Corn is native to the Americas, wheat is an import. Besides, corn masa wears out your teeth faster so you can replace them with gold.

EL PASO

Corn tortillas because you can use them for more dishes and if you mess up when frying them you can use them as Frisbees. TULSA

Flavor? Corn rules. Versatility? Corn version wins with tostados, enchiladas, chips, flautas or tacos. The flour tortilla improves only after eating the competition’s dust.

SAN FRANCISCO

Aqui en San Pancho, I ask my fonda favorita for whole-wheat tortijas for my gringo comida (burritos). Corn tortillas tend to be la variedad blanca de elote, so I want to make sure I’m not getting Bisquick!

EUGENE

I am gluten intolerant. Corn tortillas do not make my ass bleed. Also, they don’t taste like that paste stuff kids use in school. MONTEREY

I use flour tortillas to wrap the leftover Chinese food from last night and nukes it for a minute, muchoo pork, kungpao shrimp, Best!

LAS VEGAS

Flour Tortillas are greater than Corn The latter type deserves only Scorn Corn Tortillas do Naught but Annoy Flour Tortillas are soft discs of Joy!

DALLAS

Mexicans suffer more from diabetes (11.9 percent). Flour spikes glucose like a shot of tequilla. Not so with corn. So they’re better. Not funny, just true.

LOUISVILLE

At my supermarket flour tortillas come in three sizes. If they were better than corn tortillas, why are they still trying to get them right?

HOUSTON

You get more corn tortillas per package at a cheaper price. So it’s easier to feed the many mouths us Mexicans are known for.

KANSAS CITY

Corn tortillas are better because flour tortillas are like the gabachos: plain and boring, yet corn tortillas come in many colors and sizes like Mexicans. FLAGSTAFF

Flour tortillas could never ever be true blue.

ALBUQUERQUE

Real Mexicans eat real homemade corn tortillas. Pasty white Mexicans eat processed flour tortillas made at the Frontier Restaurant in Albuquerque. Then they get food poisoning. DENVER

Tortillas de maíz are the best. There are more in a bag than tortillas de harina and they are delicious con tacos de carne asada. Flour tortillas are better than

corn tortillas because la Virgen only appears on the flour tortillas. If it’s good enough for la Virgen, it’s good enough for me.

SAN DIEGO

BECAUSE: Mi abuelita y mi hefa ONLY made tortillas de harina while growing up in Fallbrook, con mantequilla, con huevos, con menudo y con frijoles!

SACRAMENTO

Corntortillas are the best. I am allergic to flour, but who can’t eat corn?and how do you pick up your beans without tortillas?

LOS ANGELES

Is this a trick question? No one who has ever had a genuine hand-made corn tortilla should have to ask!

NOWHERE, MAN

Corn is the dominant grass on the planet. Wheat is the choice of fey Euros. Make tortillas, not ethanol, gabachos. Word to your madre Supremacy, white flour better than yellow corn. Size matters, Bigger is better when eating tortillas. Finally, flour are called panochas; Which would you rather eat?

Masa is what our ancestors used; flour

tortillas are only an innovation that drunken frat boys consume for their late night burritos.

Corntortillas are better because the Indians were eating them before theSpanish came and weren’t fat, because of flour we are fat as hell!

Corntortillas are the best because they are the only homemade kind you canget in Calgary, from Tres Marias. Icky Safeway ones don’t count.

Maiz is better — if I don’t eat both of them with my meal, I can sell one to Exxon to make E-85 fuel — que no!

Comparing Tortillas is like comparing a blond American to a Mexicanita Gorda — they both taste GREAT!

Roll/fold ‘em over. Insert huevos, chorizo, y crema!

SAN ANTONIO

I’ll take flour tortillas. Who needs a healthy tortilla or heart? Save corn for ethanol, and the pinche environment. Mexicanos need to stay fat, anyways.

ORANGE COUNTY

Why are corn tortillas better than flour?

A) Flour is way unhealthier. B) Because I fucking said so.

The end.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you! Gustavo Arellano was born in Anaheim, California, to a tomato canner and an illegal immigrant. His critically acclaimed column “’¡Ask a Mexican!” has won the 2006 Association of Alternative Newsweeklies award for the best column in a large circulation weekly. He’s also a contributing editor to the Los Angeles Times and has appeared on Today, Nightline, NPR’s On the Media, The Situation with Tucker Carlson, and The Colbert Report. For more information visit www.askamexican.net.

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