Advice Goddess

Advice Goddess LOVE • SEX • DATING • MARRIAGE • QUESTIONS Martyr, she wrote My boyfriendof five years hassevere anger andmoney issues.I constantlyhelped him outfinancially,professionallyand personally. If I refused there’d bea fight. Still, I love him dearly becausehe’s a good guy. He’s always said I’m“the one”; that every other womanhas left him, but he wanted to growold with me. Two months ago, he leftme, but came back a week later, teary,saying we’d go to therapy. The therapistsaid he had Attention Deficit Disorder,and once he got on medication manyof our problems would be resolved. Aweek later, things were great until hesaid he didn’t love me and left again.He’s flying to Peru to see a girl he dated15 years ago, and hoping to propose.He called her his true love, and hurt memore by saying he’d “wasted” five yearswith me. But, I know this fling won’tlast. I still truly love him, and I hateseeing our relationship going down thedrain like this! — DistraughtYou note that every other woman hasleft him, like it’s some accomplishmentthat you’re still there. Sorry, but “Womansurvives on barely any dignity for fivestraight years” isn’t quite on par with“Woman trapped in car for five daysstays alive by drinking her own urine andeating the headrest.”You spin what you had with him assome great love story, and that’s nottotally off. Your denial of reality isright out of Titanic — the scene whereDiCaprio’s character is about to freezeto death in the North Atlantic, but firstmanages to mutter, “I don’t know aboutyou, but I intend on writing a stronglyworded letter to the White Star Lineabout all of this.” Next, you claim he’s “agood guy.” How so? When he’s screamingand maybe even throwing things at you,does he stop for a moment to write acheck to the American Cancer Society?Of course, you were never “the one,”just the one who paid his VISA bill. Andguess what: He hates you for it — forbeing somebody who’d do anything tokeep him around — and probably hatedhimself for needing you too much toditch you. You weren’t his girlfriend;you were his caseworker. You don’t lovehim; you enable him. And, you weren’twith him for who he is but for who you’renot. Being with him makes you feellike somebody, and keeps you too busycleaning up the giant litterbox that is hislife to look at your own. To be fair, youtwo do have one big thing in common: areally low opinion of you.Don’t get your hopes up about theADD meds, which were apparently soldto you as the Glinda the Good Witch ofpharmaceuticals. They might help himbe more focused and less impulsive,frustrated, and angry, but there’s nomedication in the world that will makea mean guy nice. Remember, this is aman who told you he “wasted” five yearswith you. If you ever loved somebody,you don’t say stuff like that to them. (Ifyou have nothing nice to say, well, bea dear and make something up.) Likepsoriasis, the guy’s bound to come back.In preparation for his return, changethe locks, change your phone numberand pledge to stay out of relationshipsuntil you couldn’t imagine putting upwith a guy like him. In the meantime, ifyou’re jonesing to feel needed, becomea Big Sister (, and light upsomebody’s life without paying five yearsof their electric bills.This snub’s for youYou say we guys shouldn’t let rejectionbother us, but take it as a sign toapproach the next woman. Well, it’sa big deal to be rejected. It’s an evenbigger deal to then see the girl laughingwith her friends about what justhappened. — A ManWhat were you, curious about whatit was like to be one of the Christiansthrown to the lions? Unless you’re somerare golden boy, there’s no worse time tohit on a girl than when she’s in a group.She isn’t really out with friends; she’s outwith 12 Judge Judys. Each is sure to findsomething wrong with you — becauseyou aren’t hitting on her, or because she’strying to protect her friend (perhaps fromever having a boyfriend). You can resentwhat it takes to get dates, or you can dowhat it takes: Look around your dailylife to chat up unaccompanied women,and stop basing what you think of you onwhat other people seem to think of you.While the sound of female laughter is anadult version of the wedgie, consider thealternative: the sound of the clock tickingaway the decades as you sit home staringat the chalk outline of your sex life.Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon,171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA90405, or e-mail 2009 Amy AlkonDistributed by Creators Syndicate