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Amuse Bouche

by Brian Clarey

First I learned that fast food is a major player in the effort to turn our children into lumbering slabs of chub. Then I find out that the nation of China may not have the best interests of the recipients of its food exports in mind. And now, according to a spate of news articles last week, it turns out that bottled water is, for the most part, a huge scam.

Maybe.

PepsiCo came clean last week, saying that its Aquafina brand bottled water is actually nothing more than local tap water that’s been run through a “state-of-the-art HydRO-7 purification system,” which includes charcoal filtration, reverse osmosis and ozonation and may be able to clear out the trace amounts of bromodichloromethane, chlorodibromomethane and chloroform that, according to the city of Greensboro’s 2006 Annual Water Quality Report, are the only three volatile organic chemicals that exist in our drinking water supply.

Still, at a dollar a bottle, it’s way more expensive than gasoline.

And have you heard? There’s a new deprivation-based food movement afoot, according to a New Zealand study. Vegansexualism, in which practitioners (who are vegans) will not engage in coitus with humans who consume animal products, is largely practiced by well-educated, politically active women, according to the study. “Non-vegetarian bodies smell different to me,” said one vegansexual. “They are, after all, sustained through carcasses – the murdered flesh of others.”

I suggest they take it one step further and eschew that nasty animal sex altogether and instead try to reproduce using mitosis, just like potatoes!

Here’s what else is going on:

Earth Fare hits the week hard with three installments of its culinary series. Learn to make watermelon and fennel salad on Wednesday at noon; create squash ribbons with onion and parmesan cheese on Friday at 7 p.m.; and try your hand at frozen fruit parfaits on Saturday at 2 p.m.

Friday is Watermelon Day at the Piedmont Triad Farmers Market. Beginning at 11 a.m., all are promised free samples of North Carolina watermelon.

The Single Brothers Workshop in Old Salem will hold heritage cooking classes and a slow-food potluck on Saturday. Classes will instruct in techniques used by the area’s early Moravian settlers and will begin at 10, though reservations are required (call 800.441.5305 for more information), and the potluck begins at 11:30 a.m.

Still hungry? Okay, tiny, this one’s for you: The Regional Institute for Weight Loss at High Point Regional Health System hosts free classes each month. August is devoted to a series called Medical Matters – Exercise Metabolism and Weight Loss with Bob Foreman, of the Guilford County Obesity Prevention Coalition. Classes are held this week on Thursday at 6 p.m. and Friday at 10 a.m. Call 336.878.6000 ext. 2393 for reservations.

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