An open letter to Santa…
Hey big guy! I hope this letter finds you well. You might be surprised hearing from me since I haven’t written you in 20 years or so, but you’ve been on my mind lately. I was wondering if you’d forgotten about me since I moved out of my parents’ house. I seemed to abruptly stop receiving gifts from you, except for a couple I know my step-mom forged that said “Love, Santa, ha ha ha.” Tricky little minx, that one.
While I was on MySpace last week (at home of course, not work) I found a survey called “How Naughty or Nice Were You This Year?” These surveys can be sneaky so I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. Five questions was all it took to assure me that I’ve been 70 percent nice and only 30 percent naughty, so I feel like I deserve a good Christmas.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been perfect this year and I won’t pretend I was. We all do things we’re ashamed of, but lucky for me the naughty things I did this year were all in the beginning so you might not remember. You remember my old roommate Wendy in Wilmington? Yeah, she got me in a lot of trouble at the bar in our neighborhood but at least I always kept my panties on, unlike some of the starlets I’ve been seeing online lately. In my opinion you should give the ex-Mrs. Federline some high-cut Fruit of the Loom briefs in her stocking this year.
Back in the day, it was easier for me to tell you the things I wanted. My mom had a Toys ‘R’ Us catalogue and would tell me to mark things I wanted to see under the tree Christmas morning. Funny how I usually ended up with less than 10 percent of what I’d asked for. My mom told me about the budget cuts you had up there and how money was a little tight for you. No hard feelings, buddy.
This year I can’t think of material things I want. My tastes have definitely changed from the simple Barbie doll and Easy Bake Oven wishes I had in the past. You won’t see any feeble attempts to con an Xbox 360 or an iPod outta you, man, I’m not about that. I want some things that only you can give:
Would you please give some of those orange traffic cones that litter every street in Greensboro to some other deserving city? We seem to have an awful lot of them here, and I figured maybe South Carolina could use some. They’re a nuisance as well as an eyesore, and they stick to the undercarriage of your truck when you accidentally run over them.
How about some snow this year? Just on Christmas Day, in the morning perhaps? A little dusting to make my first Christmas alone with my boyfriend even more memorable. And for everyone else who isn’t going home this year, of course.
Next time Taco Bell has an E-coli outbreak from their green onions and everyone knows about it except me, would you mind making the news sexy somehow so Perez Hilton will post something about it on his website? It upsets my belly to find out these things while I’m chomping into the first bite of my Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme and Clarey makes me feel stupid.
Now that my workdays aren’t as hectic as they were earlier this year and I’m able to get home earlier, would you tell the television stations to please air something somewhat entertaining on Tuesday nights? This crap is brutal, man. “Standoff?” “The Unit?” I don’t even know what these shows are. I’d even watch “Survivor: Cook Islands” if you put it on Tuesday.
If Jack Black decides to do another abomination of a movie like Nacho Libre or anything similar, would you make sure it doesn’t get released in Greensboro so I’ll never have to hear my boyfriend say “Fantastic!” in 32 different accents? Just curious.
If my friend and I decide to sing karaoke this year, which is likely to happen, would you make sure that people in the audience won’t boo us off the stage again? It’s incredibly rude and doesn’t create an encouraging environment for a little self expression, even when that expression needs to come out after seeing a concert where a lot of beer was consumed followed by a couple of Red Headed Slut shots. People should be more tolerable of art, particularly our rendition of “Shoop.”
These things will be hard to wrap so save the paper, old man. I don’t even have a tree this year. I know these wishes seem trivial and you might scold me for not thinking about more important issues going on in our world. I hope you understand, I just ask another Big Guy I believe in for those things all through the year. This is Christmas for Christ’s sake!
To comment on this column, email Rachel at firstname.lastname@example.org