BAT BOY SAID TO AID WADE IN REDISTRICTING SCHEME
firstname.lastname@example.org | @derekt
The impish mutant Bat Boy, thought since 2008 to have disappeared from his role as international chiroptera of mystery, has resurfaced in Greensboro, according to government sources.
A review of official federal and international animal control documents released following a public record’s request also revealed new information about the murky origins of state Sen. Trudy Wade’s plan to redistrict the Greensboro City Council.
In a tale too fantastical to believe, the documents reveal that Bat Boy crash landed a flying saucer in the vicinity of the 14th hole of the East Course at the Grandover Resort and Conference Center in mid-October 2014.
Gordon Jean, executive director of the Federation of United Chiroptera Keepers, said in an exclusive interview that international authorities had been closing in on Bat Boy in mid-2014.
“We had tracked Bat Boy to his new lair in the Ozarks, but he vanished in October just before we sent a team in,” Jean said. “He emits an ultrasonic vibration at a frequency we have cracked, and we picked up the signal again in late October somewhere near Greensboro.”
Search warrants and investigator’s notes reviewed in advance of this story show that on the night of Oct. 13, 2014 Bat Boy was flying toward Downtown Greensboro when a sudden light blinded him.
Investigation and follow up interviews with Bat Boy after his rescue from a home on Creswell Court in Greensboro last month indicate that he was blinded by the infrared LED from Theresa Yon’s camcorder. Authorities with International Chiroptera Enforcement visited the Center Pointe resident, who revealed that she had been videotaping late-night revelers when she saw a grotesque humanoid bat flying over Center City Park.
“I turned the camera toward him and the red light must have blinded him,” she stated.
Bat Boy told investigators that he flew in to the city “to look for that really cool French guy who runs downtown.”
Distracted by the camcorder light, Bat Boy narrowly missed certain death when he avoided crashing into Roy Carroll’s penthouse, but he clipped the flagpole on the top of the Lincoln Financial building with his right wing.
Bat Boy sputtered along for a few moments, until giving out in the area of the Koury Convention Center. Gliding along in hopes of a safe landing, Bat Boy noticed the open space of the Grandover Resort and put down near the 14th green.
Wade, who had been practicing her short game in the autumnal darkness, was startled by the wounded Bat Boy and reacted in fear by clubbing him over the head with a pitching wedge, according to a search warrant affidavit.
This began Bat Boy’s four-month captivity in a home on Creswell Court. There are no laws against capturing and caging a half-bat humanoid, investigators say, but federal government officials who have been tracking Bat Boy since the early 1990s were alerted to his ultrasonic signal’s presence, according to Jean.
“We first picked it up a week later,” Jean said. “We deciphered some chatter about the Greensboro City Council and ‘showing that Barakat who’s boss’ and ‘Mike Barber, my ass’ after we zeroed in on Bat Boy’s cries for help.”
Jean said that Federation of United Chiroptera Keepers members set up surveillance on the Creswell Court home, and were surprised, at first, that Bat Boy was unable to escape.
“We used shotgun mics to pick up the conversation from inside,” Jean said. “That lady kept shouting ‘Tell me how to do it. It’s got to be right or it’ll never pass pre-clearance.’ We finally deciphered it was about some type of political move, but to what end, no one could tell.”
Bat Boy is adept at escape, Jean said, and it wasn’t until months later that authorities discovered that he had been tied to bedposts inside.
Authorities freed Bat Boy when International Chiroptera Enforcement agents discovered that he’d been forced to attend a public hearing last month to defend a plan to redistrict the Greensboro City Council.
“He cloaked himself as an audience member to speak in support of the plan,” said an investigator who asked not to be identified. “She promised he would be released if he stood at the podium and said it was a good idea.”
Bat Boy had disguised himself as former city councilor Bob Mays. Authorities took him in to custody in the basement of the Melvin Municipal Building as Wade led him from the elevator.
In a debriefing interview, Bat Boy told investigators that he made up provisions of the plan, and supporting talking points, on the spot to mollify Wade.
“I just told her to say ‘business people were for it’ because it seemed so simple that no one would question it,” investigator’s notes quote Bat Boy as saying. “I didn’t think she would buy it. I mean, who could really be that blinded by power?” Bat Boy revealed that the state senator, in between sessions in which she wrung policy strategy from him, would force him to listen to Dave Ramsey and Rush Limbaugh before turning on Fox News in the late afternoon.
“Talk about a wasteland that serves no purpose but to extend human existence,” Bat Boy mused. “What a pathetic monoculture.”
Bat Boy told authorities that he kept his spirits up during captivity by reflecting on his days as a footloose serial insectivore on the borderland with Ohio and eastern Kentucky.
“I was looking for something real cool, a true epicenter,” Bat Boy revealed. “You don’t know how boring the Ozarks are. I mean, my friend Matt “” I met him when I posed as a bartender in New Orleans back in the real early 1990s, man I will never forget those days “” he started a restaurant in Eurkea Springs after the place he was working got flooded during Katrina. So I been hanging with him there, but I heard the mayor here is cool and I’m super excited about Gig G.”!