Best of the Triad Sucks
By John Doe
As the great naval philosopher Popeye once said, “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” Year after year, YES! Weekly publishes its seriously flawed Best of the Triad issue, and every year I complain to communist Editor Brian Clarey that he has failed to include categories for Best Locally Produced Public Affairs TV Show and Best Host of a Locally Produced Public Affairs TV Show. According to comrade Clarey, the reason for the oversight is twofold. First, he says that space is limited, and second, he says that you can’t have a category in which there is only one possible winner.
Simply stated, you cannot blame “Triad Today” for being the only local public affairs TV show in the Piedmont. Additionally, it is unfair not to have a category for Best Host of a Local Public Affairs Show. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a dog in this fight. I am not related to Jim Longworth, nor have I ever met the man. In fact, I hate him. Next to Brian “Putin” Clarey, Longworth is the biggest socialist at YES! Weekly. But that’s no reason to exclude his TV show from consideration.
As for Clarey’s excuse that space is limited, let me just say this: “Bull dooky!” Just as he once did in his home state of Russia, Clarey rigged the Best of the Triad elections, and filled the contest with space-wasting categories and undeserving winners. Allow me to offer some examples.
Under ART & LEISURE there was the category titled Best Place for Family Fun. The winner was the Greensboro Natural Science Center. What a joke. Everyone knows that the best place for family fun is Christie’s Cabaret. That’s because when husbands leave there, they usually go home and immediately start a family that same night.
Then there’s the ENTERTAINMENT & NIGHTLIFE section which included several useless and confusing categories. For example, there was a category for Best Dive Bar, which was won by College Hill Sundries. Hello, it’s illegal to drink and dive, so why even have this category?
Meanwhile, Foothills Brewery was named Best Local Brewery. Any idiot knows that the best brew is made up in the mountains and not in the foothills. Plus, why would the owners locate their brewery in town where revenuers can bust in on them so easy.
And why did YES! Weekly give the Best Margarita award to someone named Kiosco? Margarita works over at Christie’s Cabaret.
This year, there was a section on EDUCATION, and a category for Best Day Care. Since when is day care educational?
Day care isn’t education. Day care is coloring and pooping, kind of like my senior year at UNCG.
Next there was GOODS & SERVICES, in which a place called the Art Shop won for Best Framing. This award should have gone to the Guilford County Jail. According to Sheriff BJ Barnes, most of his prisoners say they are in his jail because they were framed. I’m just saying. And why is there a category for Best Attorney? Is this even possible?
Once again, this year’s Best of the Triad named an illogical winner in the Best Wedding Location category. Castle McCulloch won as best place for a wed ding, even though we all know that a church is the best place to get hitched. Try asking Anne Boleyn how she liked getting married in a castle.
Now we come to a category which really teed me off.
Under the FOOD & DRINK section was a category titled Best Indian Restaurant. This was offensive to me because I am part Native American, and I happen to know that there are no Indian restaurants in the Triad. We used to have one here years ago, but it had to close because but some jokester kept the phone lines tied up every night. He kept calling and asking if we took reservations.
Also under the FOOD & DRINK competition was a category for Best Cupcakes. Once again, these can be found at Christie’s Cabaret, so why take up space in the paper with something we already know.
Finally, YES! Weekly editor and noted fascist Brian Clarey won for Best Print Journalist. Give me a freakin’ break! Of course Clarey won because HE tabulated the votes. Where are Price Waterhouse when you need them.
After last year’s Best of the Triad I threatened to organize all of my friends and boycott YES! Weekly for omitting “Triad Today” from the competition. Unfortunately I discovered that I have no friends, so I guess it’s up to me to lead the fight for a more democratic newspaper. If you want to join my protest against YES! Weekly, I can be reached at Christie’s Cabaret.
I’m John Doe, American, and I approved this message.
JIM LONGWORTH is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11am on WMYV (cable channel 15).