Archives

Commentaries and Random Thoughts

Each week I use the last few moments of my “Triad Today” television show to comment on weird and wacky stories in the news. Here are some of the weirdest and wackiest from the past six months.

JURY GONE TO THE DOGS

Last week a New Jersey clerk of court mistakenly summoned a German Shepherd for jury duty. When the judge asked if any of the jurors needed to recuse themselves due to a conflict of interest, the German Shepherd said, “Yes, I have a cousin who works in the police department.”

HIGH TEST TASTE TEST

A London man has been arrested again for buying gasoline, then drinking it. Authorities had banned the gas-guzzler from local petrol stations, but he just couldn’t stay away. Why the addiction to gasoline? “It keeps him Regular,” said his wife Ethyl.

GRAIN FED GIRL

Last week a 120 pound woman from Nebraska set a world’s record by eating a 72 ounce steak in just three minutes. Asked if she thought her feat was rare, the woman replied, “No, it was well done.”

Meanwhile, KitchenDaily.com reports that Dan Janssen has been eating pizza every single day for the past 25 years. Mr. Janssen’s favorite toppings are pepperoni, mushrooms, and Rolaids.

FERRIS WHEEL WOMAN

Last month a Florida woman renewed her marriage vows to a Ferris wheel.

She also claims to have had sex with a train. The woman suffers from a rare disorder that causes people to fall in love with a lifeless object. “Yeah, I’m down with that,” said Kanye West.

LAVATORY SEX

Last week a 20 year old woman was arrested aboard a flight bound for Las Vegas because she and a man were having loud sex in the airplane lavatory. It’s no surprise that she was arrested. After all, the plane belonged to Virgin Air.

METER MADE

Last month an Illinois couple got into a cab, had sex in the back seat, then said they didn’t have enough money to pay the $83 fare. Said the man to the cabbie, “Sorry, I guess I came up short.” To which the woman replied, “You don’t know the half of it.”

KEN AND BARBIE BODIES

You’ve all heard about people who have surgery to make themselves look like Ken and Barbie. Well, last week the human Ken said he didn’t like the human Barbie because she’s lacking in certain areas. Said Barbie to Ken, “Men in glass houses shouldn’t throw missing stones.”

ON-LINE DATING

New research indicates that more and more people are meeting through on-line dating services. And some of those services are kind of weird. My favorite is www.singleswithfoodallergies.com. It’s the site that matches up people with peanuts envy.

Meanwhile, there’s a matchmaking site called AmishDating.com whose home page features a photo of a woman hugging a raccoon. Those Amish women love anything with facial hair.

VANISHING ACT

Researchers at Duke University have designed a building that is cloaked and appears to vanish. Actually that’s nothing new. Duke’s been making parents’ money disappear for years.

SOARING LIKE THE BIRD

By now you’ve heard of the California couple that loved the movie “Up” so much that they painted their house to look just like the one in which old Carl lived. The problem is that neighbors complained, saying the “Up” house is an eyesore, to which the couple responded, “Hey, we upped ours, so up yours.”

BEER ON ICE

Hockey fans in Idaho are suing Century Link arena for putting less beer in larger cups, and then charging three dollars more for them. This just proves that athletic supporters are sensitive about their cup size.

POOPER SHOOTER

A Kentucky man recently carried a loaded handgun into a restroom stall, and the pistol accidentally fell to the floor and shot him in the leg while he was seated on the toilet. The moral of this story is “Never carry a gun when your weapon is exposed.” !

JIM LONGWORTH is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11am on WMYV (cable channel 15).

Share: