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Commentaries and random thoughts

by Jim Longworth

Each week I use the last few moments of my “Triad Today” television show to comment on weird and wacky stories in the news. Here are some of the weirdest and wackiest from the past year.

POOH BARE

A town council in Poland has decided against naming a playground after Winnie the Pooh, because they say the bear has an “unclear gender and a naked bottom.” “So much for the Bruce Jenner-Kim Kardashian Parkway,” said one official.

SUM WEDDING

A bride in New Delhi called off her wedding because the groom failed a math quiz. Asked what is 15 plus 6, the man answered “17.” Said the groom, “OK, so I’m bad at addition, but I thought we were just going to multiply.”

HAVE IT YOUR WAY

Burger King announced it is paying all wedding expenses for Joel Burger and Ashley King because their last names are Burger and King. “That’s a great idea!,” said sweethearts John Dairy and Sally Queen.

MAGICAL ERECTION

A scientist in Switzerland says he can cure erectile dysfunction by simply shining a powerful light on your private parts. So far the E.D. cure only works on mice, which may explain why Minnie Mouse is always smiling.

DISNEY DISEASE

Disneyland says there’s been an outbreak of measles among its patrons. Last week, a Disney DOC said he was not HAPPY about reporting the epidemic, nor BASHFUL about blasting DOPEY parents for bringing their sick kids to the park who are now SNEEZY, SLEEPY, and GRUMPY.

HANDS-ON CURE

An Iowa chiropractor has lost his license because he was performing exorcisms on female patients in exchange for sex. Asked to describe her first chiropractic sexorcism, one patient said, “It was quite an adjustment.”

DATE RAID

A new perfume called “Aromaflage” is guaranteed to make women irresistible to the opposite sex, while also keeping bugs from biting. Asked if she would wear a perfume that attracts men and repels pests, one woman said, “How do you know which is which?”

NATURE HIKE

Last week a troop of cub scouts from San Diego went on a hike that accidentally took them traipsing through a nude beach. Asked if anything about the naked people bothered him, one scout said, “Yeah, where do they pin their merit badges?’

PHALLIC PLAY-DOH

Hasbro is in trouble for selling a toy that looks like male genitalia. The item in question is a ribbed, plastic tube which squeezes out Play-Doh to look like cake frosting. Some Moms have complained that it looks like a very large sex toy, while others aren’t complaining at all.

50 SHADES WITHOUT GREY

Jesse Gallan, the oldest woman in Scotland, just turned 109 years old. She says the secret to long life is avoiding men. In related news, CBS just renewed Ellen DeGeneres through the year 2065.

CAVE MEN

You’ve heard of the Ming Dynasty and the Tang Dynasty. Well, archeologists at Oxford now say they believe Neanderthals and Humans had offspring together. It’s called the Duck Dynasty.

LOWEBOT

Lowe’s Home Improvement just announced that it will start using robots for customer service. In keeping with Lowe’s way of doing things, when you ask the robot a question, he’s trained to disappear for 20 minutes and go look for the manager.

FLIGHT RISK

A man was arrested last week in the Atlanta airport for running around totally naked, and shouting about flight delays. Said one airport official, “It’s too bad. He was one of our best pilots.”

ROYAL PAIN

Last week Queen Elizabeth’s prized racehorse failed a substance abuse test, showing that he was hyped up on morphine. Asked if she had ever done anything illegal with a horse, the Queen replied, “Does Camilla count?”

CRAYON DRESS

Bloomingdales is now selling a dress made entirely of crayons. Asked why the crayon dresses are so popular, one store clerk said, “Because they’re easy to mark up.”

KARDASHIAN KLOTHING

After several years of moderate sales, SEARS and the Kardashian women have parted ways in their clothing venture. Said one SEARS spokesperson, “We no longer want to be associated with something so cheap and easily made. And we don’t like the clothing either.”

JIM LONGWORTH is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11 a.m. on WMYV (cable channel 15).

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