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Commentaries from 2013

by Jim Longworth

Each week I use the last few seconds of my “Triad Today” television show to comment on weird and wacky stories in the news. Here are some of the weirdest and wackiest from 2013.

BEARS GONE WILD

A zoo in Scotland was desperate for their two panda bears to mate, so zoo officials piped in Marvin Gaye music to get the female panda in the mood. The male Panda reportedly asked, “What’s Going On”?

PROSTITUTES GONE WILD

Last week a prostitute in South Africa collapsed after having sex with her client, and she was pronounced dead. However, after being placed in a coffin, the professional woman sprang back to life. Medical experts are trying to explain why she rose from the dead, but odds are it was because she had to use the John. Meanwhile, a British nursing home is in trouble with authorities because they’ve been hiring prostitutes to entertain elderly male residents at night. Now that’s what I call assisted living!

QUID PRO COOKIES

A Washington state male prison guard has been arrested for giving his female inmates cookies in exchange for sex. Rumor has it he’s been charged with “baking and entering.”

IMAGINARY CANDY

Meanwhile the Cadbury candy company is in trouble for claiming to have an imaginary factory in India, so it can save $46 million dollars in taxes. “I thought the factory really existed,” said Cadbury CEO Manti Teo.

ANCIENT TIMES

Last week a 4,000-year-old Egyptian mummy underwent a CT scan at a Virginia hospital. Museum researchers who ordered the expensive test hope to learn three things: What was the Mummy’s name? What did he die from? And will his Blue Cross pay for the CT scan?

FOOT FETISH

Researchers in the Netherlands now say there is such a thing as Foot Orgasm Syndrome, and that women who are affected can experience five to six orgasms every day. In other news, the Nike shoe company is bringing back its slogan, “Just Do It.”

RECORD-BREAKING RELATIONS

In order to get into the Guinness Book of World records, a 21-year-old Polish woman is traveling to every country in the world in hopes of having sex with 100,000 men. So far, she has had relations with 284 men, or as Madonna calls it, a slow night.

SHEDDING SEX

Last week, a Charleston couple was arrested for having sex in a display shed at Home Depot. The two lovers were understandably confused by Home Depot’s lack of hospitality in having them put in jail. After all, Home Depot’s motto is, “You can do it, we can help.”

CITY OF SISTERLY LOVE

Two Philadelphia women got into a fight at a shopping mall on Black Friday, and one woman used a Taser on the other. Asked if she was surprised by the Taser attack, the victim reportedly said, “Yes, I was stunned.”

EAR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

Last week, two men in Stamford Connecticut were fighting over loud music, and one of the men bit off and swallowed the other guy’s ear. The victim is hoping that justice will be done, but, ironically, the matter will have to be settled at a “hearing.”

FUTURISTIC SEX

A private foundation plans to send a married couple to Mars in the year 2018, so that they can study what happens if two people have sex in outer space. Scientists assigned to the husband are especially interested in what effect weightlessness will have on begging. Meanwhile, in a recent Huffington Post poll, 18 percent of respondents said they would have sex with a robot. “That seems like a low number to me,” said George Jetson.

EXTRACTIONS AND REMOVALS

Last week London firefighters were called to the home of a man who had somehow managed to get his penis stuck in the toaster. The firemen successfully extracted the man from his appliance without hesitation, but several of the rescuers said they would never eat another pop tart. Meanwhile, televangelist Pat Robertson told his 700 Club audience that it is the wife’s responsibility to keep her husband from cheating. “I agree,” said Lorena Bobbitt.

METEOR BOY

In a story that sounds out of this world, a Florida man told police that his son was stricken by small meteorites while playing in the driveway. “Yeah, that’s what happened alright,” said the little boy across the street throwing rocks.

SHIP AHOY

And finally this item in the news. An Illinois man is building an authentic pirate ship on which he and his fiancée plan to be married. In keeping with the pirate theme, following the wedding reception, the groomsmen will share the booty. !

JIM LONGWORTH

is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11am on WMYV (cable channel 15).

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