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Commentaries on 2012

by Jim Longworth

While most of my columns deal with serious, high-profile topics, sometimes it’s the weird, obscure tales, and the eccentric personalities which give us the best insight into ourselves and our society. Each week at the end of “Triad Today,” I deliver a comment or two about those stories. Here then, is a collection of commentaries from 2012.

The last lap A 67-year-old Texas man was enjoying several lap dances at a strip club. Then, when it came time to pay his bill, dancers discovered that the man had died of a heart attack. On a personal note, I am not shocked by this story. Just last week my wife told me if she ever caught me in a strip club, I’d be dead too.

Taking directions Chicago police arrested a man for robbing a Radio Shack store by tracking him with the GPS device which he had stolen. The man was hoping to cut a deal for a reduced sentence, but since the item came from Radio Shack, he’ll probably have to pay the full price for his crime.

Door to door hygiene A young woman broke into a Sacramento home just to use the shower. She didn’t steal anything, and she didn’t do any damage. She just took a shower. Police charged her with breaking and entering, but it was an easy bust. She did not resist arrest, and there was no need for a harsh interrogation. That’s because the woman had already “come clean”.

Hops hair A Portland, Ore. man has his community buzzing because he brews beer using yeast which is taken from his facial hair. People seem to like the hairy ale, which brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Bartender, give me a beer, and put a head on it.”

Bear party In a related story, a Norwegian man is in hot water with his wife. He claims that bears broke into their house and had a wild party. He said the bears drank 100 cans of beer, and left the place in a mess. No word yet on the brand of beer, but my guess is they were drinking Grizzly Sam Adams.

Learn while you earn According to labor statistics, Canada now has a shortage of exotic dancers. So one local nightclub is offering free college tuition to every stripper. Obviously there are strings attached to this deal, but one thing’s for sure — their learning curves will be impressive.

Free toppings A Des Moines, Iowa pizza delivery man got teed off last week when the woman he delivered the pizza to refused to give him a tip. To retaliate, the delivery man relieved himself on the spot. Of course, Pizza Hut fired him, but, in a way, the woman was really to blame. After all, she ordered a pizza “with everything on it.”

Tat fan A man in England claims to be the world’s biggest fan of Miley Cyrus because he has put over a dozen permanent tattoos of the singer all over his body. Of course, the weird Brit could have just gotten temporary tattoos which would have saved him some money, and still showed his love for Miley. After all, what could be more appropriate than a “Henna Montana”?

Klan komes kleen The Ku Klux Klan wants to officially adopt a stretch of highway in Georgia so they can clean up roadside debris. However, the DOT might reject their application. Personally I hope the Klan wins this case, because there’s nothing I like better than white trash getting rid of white trash.

Life lesson The world’s oldest living person has died. Georgia native Bessie Cooper, who lived to be 116 years old, once said the reason for her long life was never eating junk food. In a related story, rumor is that the CEO of Frito Lay has passed away. He was 15.

Angel of MERCY! And finally, this item. Tracy Rolan, AKA “Harmony Rose”, is the newest volunteer EMT for a Roanoke rescue squad. But the EMT Chief might ask her to resign because he found out that Tracy is a former porn star. I understand protecting the reputation of the squad, but it seems a shame to get rid of an EMT who’s so experienced in “mouth to mouth.”

JIM LONGWORTH is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11am on WMYV (cable channel 15).

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