by Rob Brezsny

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I was listening to a sports talk show on the radio. The host had recently discovered Twitter, and was pleased with how many fans he had already accumulated. But he was not at all happy with the words “Twitter” or “tweet.” Too effeminate, he said. Not macho enough for a he-man like himself to use comfortably. In fact, he promised that he would never again refer to his Twitter messages as “tweets,” but would hereafter call them “spurts.” Instead of “Twitter,” he would say “Twister.” I encourage you to draw inspiration from his example, Virgo. You’re in an astrological phase when you can and should reconfigure anything that doesn’t suit your needs or accommodate your spirit, whether it’s the language you use, the environments you hang out in, or the processes you’re working on.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Years ago,a TV sitcom called “The Andy GriffithShow” ran for seven seasons on CBS. Itsstar, Any Griffith, played a mild-manneredsheriff in a small town in NorthCarolina. His sidekick was BarneyFife, a bumbling deputy with asweet disposition. Shortly after heleft the show, Griffith had a dreamin which he thrashed and pummeledhis co-star. When he askedhis psychiatrist about the meaningof this dream violence, the shrinkspeculated that he was trying to killoff his old image. I recommend thatexact strategy to you now, Libra.Don’t actually wreak any real-lifemayhem. Rather, see if you canhave a dream or two in which you destroya symbol of the life you’re ready to leavebehind.SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What lifewill you be living at noon on Sept. 1, 2014?Who will you be? How thoroughly willyour dreams have come true? What kind ofbeauty and truth and love and justice willyou be serving? Will you look back at thetime between Aug. 27 and Sept. 21, 2009and sigh, “If only I had initiated my FiveYear Master Plan at that ripe astrologicalmoment”? Or on Sept.1, 2014 will you insteadbe able to crow, “I cantruly say that in these pastfive years I have becomethe president of my ownlife”?SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec. 21): If at somefuture time you sell yourlife story to a filmmakerwho makes it into a featurefilm, it may have a lotto do with adventures thatkick into high gear in the coming weeks.The fun will start (I hope) when you decidenot to merely lie back and be victimizedby your signature pain any longer. Thisbrave act will recalibrate the cosmic scalesand shift the currents of destiny that flowthrough you. Soon you will be makingprogress in untangling a mystery that haseluded your insight for a long time. Youwill be able to uncover the guarded secretsof a source that has for some time beentweaking your personal power withoutyour full awareness.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Inhis book From Heaven to Earth: SpiritualLiving in a Market-Oriented World, AaronZerah riffs on the Hebrew word “nabal.”It describes someone who’s so staunchlyconcentrated on practical concerns thathe becomes impractical. Please don’t letthis be your fate anytime soon, Capricorn.For the ultimate benefit of the bottom line,disregard the bottom line for a while. Fantasizelike a teenage poet. Be as whimsical asa mystic clown. Be a sweet, fun-loving foolso you won’t turn into a sour, workaholicfool.AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Awoman living in China’s Jilin province gotmarried in a wedding gown with a trainthat was 1.4 miles long. Lin Rong’s dresswas decorated with 9,999 red silk rosesand took three months to sew. In the spiritof her record-breaking ritual, Aquarius Iencourage you to be extravagant and imaginativeas you celebrate a great union in thecoming weeks. You have an astrologicalmandate to think big as you carry out a riteof passage that will lead to an upgrade inthe role that collaboration and symbiosisplay in your life.PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Close youreyes and imagine you’re in a meadow asrain falls. Inhale the aroma of the earth asthe ground is soaked. Dwell in the midstof that scent for a while, allowing it topermeate your organs and nerves. Feel itslife-giving energy circulating through you.Give yourself to the memories it evokes. Inmy astrological opinion, experiences likethis are what you need most in the comingweek. Can you think of some others thatwould speak directly to your animal intelligence?It’s a perfect time to please andexcite the part of you that is a soft, warmcreature.ARIES (March 21-April 19): What Iwish for you this week is that you won’t besatisfied with mediocre truths; that you’llbe a fussy perfectionist focused on cuttingout waste, fraud and delusion; that you’llbe itchy to know more about the unacknowledgedgames that are being played.Frustration, I hope, will be your holy fuel.Unsweetened lemonade, I trust, will beyour rejuvenating drink. These are blessings,Aries, not curses! I pray that you’llpick one of your scabs until it bleeds so thehealing process can start over — the rightway this time.TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Whathave you always wanted to yell from thepinnacle of the hill in the distance? This isthe week to go there and yell it. What is thatsafe way of getting high that you’ve alwayswanted to try but never had the time for before?This is the week to try it. What is thealluring phenomenon that is always goingon just outside the reach of your ordinaryawareness — the seductive pull you havealways somehow resisted? This is the timeto dive in and explore it. (Thanks to JohnAverill for his inspiration in composingthis horoscope. His tweets are at (May 21-June 20): Adamand Eve were banished from the Gardenof Eden because of an incident involvingan apple, right? Wrong. Many biblicalscholars suspect the fruit in question waseither a fig, grape or pomegranate. I mentionthis, Gemini, because I think you’d bewise to review your own personal mythof exile. It’s time to question the story youhave been telling yourself about how yourparadise got lost. Evidence you discoverin the coming days just might suggestthat everything you’ve believed is at leasthalf-wrong — that your origins are differentfrom what you imagine. And as forthe forbidden fruit that supposedly led youastray: You may realize that it was actuallya precious medicine.CANCER (June 21-July 22): The comingweek will be prime time to perform minormiracles without trying too hard. You’llprobably have maximum success if yourefrain from hoping and worrying aboutachieving maximum success. The cosmiccurrents will be likely to bend and shapethemselves to accommodate your deeperneeds if you proceed on the assumptionthat they know, better than your little egodoes, what’s best for you. To get yourself inthe proper frame of mind to do challengingtasks without expending strenuous effort,you might want to check out this photospread of people practicing drunk (July 23-Aug. 22):: No more rottendessert, Virgo. No more silky danger orjuicy poison. No more worthless treasuresor empty successes or idiotic brilliance.Soon all those crazy-making experienceswill be gone, blasted, dead. By this timenext week, the bad influences that weretrying to pass themselves off as good influenceswill have fallen away in response toyour courageous drive for authenticity. Youwill be primed to restore your innocenceand play in places where purity is the rule,not the exception. Already, the wisdomof your wild heart is regenerating, givingyou the strength to overthrow the sour,life-hating influences that were threateningto smother your spirit.