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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

by Rob Brezsny

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): According to my projections, you will not, in the coming weeks, meet a dark, secretive stranger who’ll play you like a violin. Nor will you be lured to the warehouse district after midnight to pick up the “missing stuff.” And I highly doubt that you will be invited to join a cult that’s conspiring to seize political power following the events of Dec. 21, 2012. No, Virgo. Your fate is far more mundane than that. In fact, it’s more likely that you will soon meet a bright, forthright stranger who will play you like an accordion. You will be drawn to a convenient location at midday to pick up the “missing stuff.” And you will be invited to become part of a group that has the potential to play a significant role in your quest for meaning in the coming years.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): For years,I’ve remembered most of my dreamsevery night, so I’m good at spotting trends.And one of the themes that has arisenrecently involves you Libras. Lastweek, I dreamed that three of myLibra friends were pole vaulting atthe Olympics. Four nights ago, Idreamed that my two favorite Libranastrologers were rappelling upa skyscraper. Last night, I dreamedthat four Libran celebrities —Mahatma Gandhi, Gwen Stefani,Sacha Baron Cohen (AKA Borat)and Kate Winslet — climbed a goldladder to a cafe on a cloud wherethey drank magic coffee that madewings sprout on their backs. Sowhat’s going on? Is my subconscious tellingme that it’s prime time for you to raiseyour expectations and upgrade your goals?Do my dreams mean you should rise abovethe conventional wisdom and rededicateyourself to your loftiest ambitions? Whatdo you think?SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Spiritualepiphany alert! Uncanny revelations imminent!Hope you don’t mind being awokenin the middle of your regularly scheduledlife by a special deliveryfrom the Great Beyond.Yes, my cute little bundleof rumbling feelings andpsychic sensitivities: Itdoesn’t matter if you’rea true believer or anunrepentant infidel — youwill soon be invited tohave one of your logicalcertainties torn out by theroots and replaced with athrobbing vision of cosmicwhoopee. Brace yourselffor the most pungent fun you’ve had sinceyour last mudwrestle with the angel.SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):While appearing on the TV show “I’m aCelebrity… Get Me Out of Here,” ex-probasketball player John Salley gave someadvice I’d like to pass along. “When yousee crazy coming your way,” he philosophized,“you should cross the street.” I dothink crazy will be headed in your directionsometime soon, Sagittarius, and the bestresponse you can make is to avoid it altogether,preferably in a way that it doesn’tnotice you. That’s right: Don’t shout atcrazy, don’t bolt away ostentatiously andcertainly don’t run up and give crazy a bighug. There are far better ways for you togather in your fair share of intriguing mystery;I’d hate to see you get bogged downin a useless, inferior version of it.CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):Everyone wants an extra piece of you thesedays, and they don’t necessarily care abouthow it will affect you. So beware of emotionalmanipulation, subliminal seductionand the temptation to believe in impossiblepromises. To make matters more extreme,I suspect you may be secretly pleasedthat everyone wants an extra piece of you— and might be tempted to conspire inyour own dismantling. Let me propose acompromise. How about letting three trustworthypeople — no more — take an extrapiece of you? And be very certain that theyhave enough self-control to know when tostop taking.AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’realmost never one brick short of a load.Know what I’m saying? Your elevatoralmost always goes all the way to the topfloor. Rarely, if ever, do I have to warn youagainst playing with a deck of 51 cards. SoI hope you don’t be offended when I saythat it’s time to find that missing brick andservice your elevator and buy a new deck.In other words, you’re due for your 40,000mile check-up.PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): magic (ma’jik), n. 1. A mysterious event or processthat seemingly refutes the known laws ofscience. 2. A willed transformation of one’sown state of mind. 3. A surprising triumphthat exceeds all expectations. 4. Somethingthat works, though no one understandswhy. 5. The impossible becoming possible.6. “Any sufficiently advanced technologyis indistinguishable from magic.” (ArthurC. Clarke.) 7. A quality predominant in thelives of Pisceans during the period July 1through July 20, 2009.ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Time to diversifyyour energy sources, Aries. It’s as ifyou’ve grown too dependent on oil — metaphoricallyspeaking — and have neglectedto develop relationships with wind turbines,solar panels, natural gas and other mans ofgenerating power. What if in the future —metaphorically speaking — oil becomesscarcer or wildly expensive? And what if,over the long haul, its byproducts degradeyour environment? I suggest you start nowto expand the variety of fuels you tap into.It’s a perfect moment to adjust your plansfor your long-term energy needs.TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Yourmirror may lie to you this week. A friendmight neglect to share a crucial detail.Even pets and heroes and normally reliablesuppliers might not be completely there foryou. Fortunately, I expect that secondarysources will come through. Other people’smirrors may reveal a clue you haven’t beenable to find in your own. An acquaintancecould step forward and do a convincingimpersonation of a friend. And a previouslyoverlooked or unknown connection mightbecome your own personal wellspring.Moral of the story: If you’re willing to beflexible and forswear all impulses to blame,you won’t be deprived of what you need.GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Havingdiscovered I can read the minds of animals,I’ve started a new sideline as a ghostwriter.Here’s an excerpt from an interview I didwith Prestige, a potbellied pig born underthe sign of Gemini. Brezsny: What doyou like best about being a potbellied pig?Prestige: I’m greedy but cute. I get to eatlike a pig, yet not be victimized by thenegative judgments people usually projectonto pigs. Brezsny: Is there anything you’reworried about? Prestige: I need to make mycaretaker understand that for the next fewweeks we Geminis will need more thanthe usual amounts of food, love, presents,praise, attention, everything. Brezsny:Anything you’d like to say to my Geminireaders? Prestige: Don’t let anybody makeyou feel guilty for wanting what you want.CANCER (June 21-July 22): Theancient Chinese sage Lao Tse said, “Peopleof the highest caliber, upon hearing aboutTaoism, follow it and practice it immediately.People of average caliber, hearingabout Taoism, reflect for a while and thenexperiment. People of the lowest caliber,hearing about Taoism, let out a big laugh.”Now substitute the words “your splashynew ideas” for “Taoism” in Lao Tse’squote and you’ll have your horoscope forthis week, Cancerian. For added punch,remember what he said in another context:“No idea can be considered valuable until athousand people have laughed at it.”LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Nietzsche’sdictum might be useful for you to keep inmind right now, Leo: “If it doesn’t kill you,it’ll make you stronger.” Since I’m verysure that the turbulent waters through whichyou’re navigating will not kill you, I’mlooking forward to all the ways this journeywill upgrade your confidence and enhanceyour power. But there’s more to be gained,beyond what Nietzsche formulated. It’salso true that if it doesn’t kill you (which itwon’t), it will make you wilder and kinderand smarter and more beautiful..

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