Greensboro’s Ten Best Easiest Jobs…
Keith Holliday’s campaign manager
Getting Holliday re-elected is gonna be a walk in the park, mainly because he’s running unopposed. But even if he wasn’t, smart money would give the election to the man who looks so much like a mayor that he could play one on TV. And no, that wasn’t him co-starring in the sitcom ‘“Spin City’” opposite Michael J. Fox and, later, Heather Locklear and Charlie Sheen. But I’m pretty sure it was Holliday in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Valet parking attendant at Twiggy’s
114 N. Davie St.; 910.272.9908
This is a position that does not actually exist, but if it did it would be easier than eating cheese puffs with a corn fork. Parking is free after 6 p.m. in the part of downtown that includes this African-American nudie bar where the beats drop hard and fast and the women can do things with their hindquarters that really make you stop and think. There’s also a multi-level parking deck across the street, free in the evenings, that make this club and its next-door neighbor the Rumba Latina unlikely recipients of the best parking situation downtown.
I thought the gig sounded pretty easy, but Marcus Mintz at Carmike Cinemas (4822 Koger Blvd.; 336.851.0094) tells me that it requires more than just popping in a reel and kicking back to enjoy the show. The movies come to the theater in multiple reels, each of which must be viewed for defects before they’re spliced together and shown for money. And projectionists must stay on their toes: things don’t go wrong often, but when they do the guy or gal up in the booth has got to keep it together. (See story page 34)
YES! Weekly Page Three photographer
Staffer Lee Adams has a lot of responsibilities around here, often doing double-duty out in the field, switching between a notebook and a camera as fast as he can. But Lee, a happily married father, shifts into a different mode for Page Three. The models, whether they be male or female, are generally enthusiastic and happy to pose and the shoots are lighthearted and fun. And they carry a lot less pressure than, say, photographing Manlin Chee hastily exiting a courtroom or trying to capture a knockout punch, both of which Adams has managed to do in the last few months.
Salesperson for Final Four brackets
Get ’em at the office, at your favorite bar or maybe even at your momma’s house. Like TiVo and crack cocaine, these things sell themselves, especially here in the heart of ACC country. Sure they’re not strictly legal, but c’mon, it’s the Final Four for crying out loud. There’s got to be some kind of exception in the North Carolina gaming statutes for college basketball.
Car washer at Harper’s II
626 Guilford College Rd.; 336.854.0660
It’s got to be easier than swinging on a pole or doing lap dances. And we’re pretty sure nobody cares what kind of job they do.
Quality control at Ganache Bakery & CafÃ©
403 N Elm St.; Greensboro, 336.230.2253
Aside from allowing in your budget for fat pants, there is very little downside to sampling the sugary goodies at this downtown dessert institution. ‘“You say you’ve got an experimental cake recipe or a new kind of pastry? Joan! No calls. And clear my afternoon appointments ‘— I’ve got work to do. And dammit, Joan’… bring milk.’” (Joan, by the way, is my imaginary secretary. Helluva gal’… she put two kids through college).
Weekend anchor for FOX8 evening news and ‘“Survivor’” alumnus
It’s definitely not easy to read the news ‘— the hardest part is to keep your head still and not touch your face. But we still think Jeff Varner’s got it made, relatively speaking. Sure, he’s got a long workweek and a high-maintenance haircut, but do you remember the Australian Outback season of ‘“Survivor’”? Our man not only had to watch that psycho Michael Skupin slaughter a pig and then turn his own hands into bacon when he fell into the fire, he also had to put up with that insufferable bitch Jerri Manthey. Yeah’… I may have caught a couple episodes. Check out his beefcake gallery at survivorhunks.com/jeffvarner/gallery.
Corporate incentives broker
Wanna be your own boss? Are you willing to shill for corporate America to do it? Then get in on the game’… the corporate incentives game, that is. First, identify a megacompany that’s looking to expand their facilities (or convince one to outright move). Then, find a plot of land in town suitable for the purpose. Finally, introduce the company looking to initiate growth strictly for its own sake to the region with its ass in the air for anyone who promises more than a few dozen middling jobs. Make sure to cut yourself a nice side deal.
Guilford the Grasshopper and friends
Guilford the grasshopper, his girlfriend GiGi and Timmy the turtle (along with the aptly named Spaz) are among the hardest-working folks in the minor league mascot game. But while their jobs may not exactly be easy, their chores are definitely among the more pleasurable at First Horizon Park (408 Bellemeade St.; 336.268.2255). Home game duties include dugout dancing, slow baserunning and heavy schmoozing with everyone under five feet tall. They also have to wear the mascot suits, which (warning: geek alert) would offer ample protection on the ice planet of Hoth. Nyuk nyuk. Better than the inside of a ton-ton anyway. Snort.