Greensboro’s Ten Best Things We’ve Seen Enough of…
Men in Capri pants (Brian Clarey)
Okay fellas, I’m sure you’ve got the cutest ankles in town but come on. There are plenty of excuses, but no good reasons for grown men to wear ladies’ pants. We had a name for pants like this when I was a kid: we called them ‘floods.’ We also had names for the kids who wore them to school: dorks. And if I remember correctly, punishment on the playground for wearing such an item was swift and severe.
The Brad and Jen and Angelina saga (Jordan Green)
Jordan says: ‘“Okay, so we realize that celebrity rags don’t use the same criteria as we in the MSM (that’s mainstream media, for all you non-bloggers) for selecting stories, but why is it necessary to know that Angelina Jolie is wearing a new ring, that Brad Pitt has said Angelina is ‘dear to my heart,’ or that Angelina giggled when asked if Brad was marriage material? Because, of course, each of these little tidbits is supposedly a dagger in Jennifer Anniston’s heart. But for crying out loud, Jen filed for divorce back in March. Don’t you think the woman is ready to move on?’”
The many incarnations of Diet Coke
You’ve got your Diet Coke, your caffeine-free Diet Coke, your Diet Vanilla Coke, your Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Coke with Splenda, with a squeeze of lime, with a hint of lemon, and the new one, Coke Zero, which, if we understand the marketing correctly, passes through your body completely intact. The situation makes some of us nostalgic for the days of Tab cola, what a beautiful treat.
Sports sandals (John Upsal)
Johnny U don’t like the fancy-schmancy, heel-hugging, Velcro-ed out sandals that all the kids seem to be wearing these days. ‘“Teva’s were cool,’” he says. ‘“I had a pair. But it’s getting ridiculous.’” He’s got a point ‘— there’s nothing cool about shoes that look like hiking boots with a bunch of holes cut in them. ‘“And,’” our marketing executive adds, ‘“these people who wear them don’t take care of their feet.’” His prejudice doesn’t apply to flip-flops, however. ‘“I’m good on the sport sandals with socks, too,’” he says.
Lauren says: ‘“I’m so over Paris Hilton and her over-the-shoulder, hand-on-the-hip, look-at-me, pout. What did she do to be famous? Oh yeah ‘— nothing. She’s hot, she’s skinny and she’s blonde. Is there any reason to like her? She wrote a book about being an heiress, a job that is soooo tough, and she dresses her dog in those stupid little outfits. I think her dog sees her coming and thinks, ‘Oh damn, here we go again.’ The thing that makes me the most angry is that she doesn’t pay for half of her wardrobe ‘— designers send her whole collections and she picks out what she wants to wear. I’m also angry with myself for watching ‘The fabulous life of Nikki and Paris Hilton’ on MTV at least five times.’”
Vera Bradley bags (Lisa Ellisor)
‘“They’re glorified diaper bags!’” says our feisty graphic designer, and the rest of us are inclined to agree. This is not a proper handbag for a sophisticated woman ‘— it’s something an old lady uses to carry around her knitting. And don’t get us started on the Vera Bradley curling iron cozy (a mere $16 bucks plus shipping on verabradley.com).
Tom Cruise (pretty much all of us)
Well obviously the little guy’s completely lost his mind, but we suspect that he didn’t have all that much to lose in the first place. And while we take a certain perverse pleasure in watching such a big celebrity come completely unraveled right in the public eye, we have decided that it’s time to say, ‘“Enough is enough.’” As a group we hope that Mr. Cruise (such a cool name) either retreats to an island a la Brando or becomes ‘clear’ enough in his pursuit of Scientology that we can’t see him anymore.
Lauren says: ‘“Entertainers are people that entertain, right? I don’t feel entertained when Barbara Streisand is preaching to me about her preferences on the political field. I often agree with these celebrities that make bold political statements, it’s just that I would rather get my ‘important’ information from someone with an economic or business degree from Stanford, not a Ben Affleck-type who’s skidded into Hollywood on his good looks and infamous relationships. It really burns me to go to a concert, where I’ve already dropped $50 on a ticket, and then the entertainer starts blabbing about their personal political agenda. Everyone can have their own opinion, but if I wanted to hear a celebrity’s ideals then I’d ask for it, not pay for it.’”
Cell-phone drivers (Charles Womack)
Our publisher says he can’t wait until they make it illegal to use cell phones behind the wheel in North Carolina. And while everybody who has been muscled to the shoulder on Wendover by a soccer mom in a Suburban who’s eagerly discussing her lunch plans on her cell can sympathize with his position, we in the office wonder what effect the law would have on Mr. Womack himself, who has developed an enduring fondness for his Sprint Treo and has also been known to use it behind the wheel while cruising around town.
Young teenage girls dressed like tramps (Brian Clarey)
I’m all for sexual promiscuity among singles and I firmly believe that if you’ve got it then you’ve got a right to show it off, but there’s something deeply disturbing about seeing girls born after 1990 wearing outfits that would not look out of place on a Reno streetwalker after 3 a.m. I realize that the young ladies of today develop earlier and more robustly than did the girls when I was growing up ‘— something to do with hormones in their chicken nuggets, I believe ‘— but they shouldn’t be wearing microskirts and thigh-highs with stiletto heels when they’re still young enough to order off the kids’ menu. And if it doesn’t stop soon, one of these fathers is going to punch me right in the eye.