Greensboro’s ten best new ideas for the Chrysler Classic

by Amy Kingsley

Krispy Kreme Klassic

Aside from its unfortunate initials, this tournament could have a lot going for it. Sure Krispy Kreme started in Winston-Salem, not Greensboro, but since the doughnut chain has a franchise on practically every corner, I figure we can borrow the name for a week. Organizers can save money by replacing pricey caterers with doughnut slingers in paper hats. This sponsorship is also rife with cross-marketing potential. Imagine ‘— golf-ball decorated doughnut holes and green frosted 18th hole specials.

Medaloni Open

Surely the impresario of downtown nightlife and budding local politician would love to put his imprint on the golf tournament that rocketed both Jim Melvin and Keith Holliday to mayoral heights. Golf is an early morning endeavor, folks, and perfect for all-nighters juiced up on caffeinated malternative beverages. Combine Medaloni’s nightclub clientele with the warmer weather of an August tournament and bring on the skimpy golf outfits. A word to the wise: stiletto heels will only earn twisted ankles and the ire of the greenskeeper; sensible shoes are a golf course requirement.

Jefferson-Pilot Memorial Golf Tournament

If I remember my math classes correctly, multiplying two negatives results in a positive. So maybe combining the subjugation of homegrown Jefferson-Pilot by the larger Lincoln Financial with the body blows sustained by our beleaguered golf tourney could reinvigorate both the economy and the sport. It might be a nice gesture for Lincoln Financial to go ahead and foot the bill for a year or two on account of their replacing downtown’s most storied corporate resident.

Wrangler Golf Roundup

I saw more khaki than denim during the couple of hours I spent at Forest Oaks Country Club last year. Still, a sponsorship by local clothing giant VF Corporation might contribute some diversity to the bland sartorial palette usually on display at the old golf course. Also, I hear that bull-riding is gaining momentum as a television-friendly extreme sport. Wouldn’t you watch a seasoned golf pro try to sink a putt one-handed while trying to go the full eight seconds on 1,600 pounds of bucking beef?

Replacements, Ltd. Cup

Our business neighbor to the east has done pretty well for itself providing specialized replacement china and flatware. I don’t know if their earnings are quite enough to afford sponsoring an entire PGA event, but they might contribute a very nice china cup, vase or silver serving platter as an award to the winner. The purse might not be the real draw in events like this, but a nifty little trinket never drove anybody away, right?

Greensboro Coliseum Arena Golf League

I’m not talking about putt-putt here, folks. If the Coliseum is big enough for football, well then I say we can wedge at least nine holes in there. Greensboro can really be on the leading edge of a new arena sport, you know, golf with a few tweaked rules regarding ricocheted balls. Also, it would put more butts in seats, something sorely needed by the taxpayer-sponsored institution. To avoid crippling lawsuits, though, I suggest that the management install some industrial-strength Plexiglas to separate golfers from onlookers.

Spirit Partners AWOL Classic

In late 2004, Greensboro company Spirit Partners gained notoriety for thinking outside the box, or more precisely, outside the bottle. They peddle the AWOL, or Alcohol Without Liquid, booze vaporizers for clubs and personal use that pledge a calorie-free, hangover-resistant drunk. Their claims have certainly been disputed in several media outlets including Still, I think the right amount of vaporized alcohol might turn this usual occasion for good-natured civic glad-handing into something a bit more bacchanalian.

The Duke Power Golf Meltdown

With Duke Power still searching for a piece of land ‘— possibly in the Triad ‘— on which to build the first nuclear power plant constructed in 30 years, we figure they soon might owe us at least a golf tourney. Sand and water might pose risks to a player’s golf game, but we think the addition of nuclear waste traps will up the ante even more. With this sponsorship, the words ‘golf handicap’ might take on a whole new meaning.

Pace Communications Open

This collaboration is so natural that it’s a no-brainer. Pace is the name behind many airline magazines and publishes a number of other business publications. Every time I fly I’m bombarded with articles about the best wood for teeing off or the impact of hip replacement on swing technique. Obviously people who fly have a high level of interest in the game of golf. Therefore, it would behoove Pace to nurture an ailing tournament in the company’s backyard. It might even augment their cred with clients and readers.

East by Southeast

Golf tournament? Who needs it. The future, my friends, is in guitars, turntables, keyboards, laptops, drums or whatever else makes noise. There’s CMJ in New York, South by Southwest in Austin and Coachella in California. But what do we have in Greensboro? A bunch of great bands and performers with no regional music festival. Soon we will also have the Flying Anvil, the perfect venue to house such an enterprise. Hey, we could still invite John Daly ‘— I’ve heard he can rock more than a golf tee.