High Point City Council disbands, declares Nido Qubein King

An artists rendering of the Nido Qubein statue to be erected where the Oak Hollow Mall now stands, the ultimate "wow moment"

After a lengthy and convincing PowerPoint presentation, testimony from celebrities like Casey Kasem and Stedman “Oprah’s Boyfriend” Graham, the city of High Point decided to radically alter its form of municipal government and disband the city council, transferring power over to Nido R. Qubein, businessman, motivational speaker, author and president of High Point University.

“Screw it,” High Point Mayor Becky Smothers said while banging the gavel before the legislative body one last time. “If he wants it so bad, he can have it.”

Qubein took over High Point University as president in 2005, and since has doubled the school’s footprint in the city’ and the number of students enrolled at the university, hired hundreds of faculty and staff, and has aggressively pursued land purchases in the vicinity of the campus, including the recent acquisition of the Oak Hollow Mall property on Eastchester Drive, which Qubein says he plans on turning into a man-made half mountain with a stadium at its base, the future home of the HPU Panthers football team, and a giant, 100-foot statue at its peak. Qubein called it a “wow moment.”

“It will be of Dr. Qubein in his customary business suit, his arms outstretched, just kind of looking benevolently down on the city,” said HPU spokesperson Flackery Boilerplate.

“It’s based — loosely, you understand — on the statue of Christ the Redeemer looking down on Rio de Janiero. And it goes without saying that High Point University and Dr. Qubein are honored and excited to apply the principles of learning established by Dr. Qubein at High Point University to the Furniture City, which will now be known as the ‘Panther City.’ “We at High Point University are committed to ensuring that each and every person in High Point — be they student or just regular citizen — has an experience that is academically, spiritually and socially significant,” he added.

As part of the deal, High Point University agrees to purchase all cityheld property and gets options on every parcel of land in the vicinity of the main campus. Every citizen of High Point will be issued one purple HPU logo baseball cap and Champion gray hoodie with the school’s name emblazoned across the front. Citizens will be encouraged to wear them every Friday, though it will not be mandatory.

In addition, the city will officially change its name to the Nido R. Qubein City of High Point, Boilerplate said.

City government will be run by an unelected board of trustees, appointed by Qubein. Some early names floated at the last city council meeting included the aforementioned Kasem and his wife Jean, Triad Business Journal Editor Justin Catanoso, Dr. Bill Cosby, former President George W. Bush, Oprah’s friend Gayle King and even Oprah herself, though Qubein noted in his PowerPoint presentation that she would be a “tough get.”

Construction on the mountain and statue will begin on April 1, also known as April Fool’s Day. Resistance is futile.

(April fools)