In Lieu of Resolutions, Advice for Others
This year has been a trying one. I’ve accomplished very little in ’06. I got carjacked eight months ago and still haven’t replaced my Social Security card. My Christmas shopping isn’t finished. But I have rekindled my love affair with mozzarella sticks. Oh, and I lost about 15 pounds. Maybe I should trademark the first ever cheese-stick diet.
I suppose it’s a tradition now. I’ve written the last column of the year for two years in a row. The first one I wrote about my personal New Year’s resolutions’ which, not surprisingly, went down the crapper around February. I vowed to read at least one book a month last December and I haven’t cracked the spine on more than four books all year.
I’m back to not making resolutions for the New Year. I’m going to throw caution to the wind and not have a “plan.” I’m not going to make any stupid statements about what I’m going to do, when I know good and well I’m not even going to try.
Since I won’t work on myself, I was thinking that maybe I should help out some celebrities:
Britney Spears: Britney, your resolution should be to not let K-Fed get custody of the kids. I think this is a situation of the lesser of the two evils. You, for once Brit, are the lesser of the evils. Congrats. P.S. After the holidays, you might want to pick yourself up some panties. I’ve seen more of your hoo-ha this year than your gyno has. And you’ve had two kids.
Tara Reid: Tara, girlfriend, you need to resolve to do some actual acting. You know what that is, right? Remember how you “acted” you didn’t know your breast was hanging out on the red carpet that one time. Not that you’ve ever actually acted in any movie you’ve been in, but I’d think with all of those corrective surgeries you’ve had you might want to start bringing home some cheddar.
Katie Holmes: Katie, your resolution should be to run far, far away from the couch-jumping crazy man who those Scientologist aliens have invaded. He’s Crazy Cruise now. Take your $10 million or whatever the pre-nup was for and hit the road, and take the baby – that may or may not be biologically yours – and run.
Paris Hilton: P, listen, you need to resolve your friend issues. I’m not judging, but I think you have some real problems with keeping friends. Your BFFs change more than a fifth-grader’s. You’re in your twenties, it’s time to grow up. You have more money than you will ever know what to do with, so just pay someone to be your friend for a while. BTW, I liked that song you put out this year about the stars. I’m sure I’ll regret writing that after this paper is published. But everyone who knows me is aware that I like crappy music.
OJ Simpson: Juice, dude. Seriously. You’ve maintained your innocence all these years and then you’re going to write a book about how you would have killed your ex and her friend? You need to resolve to keep your mouth shut or the jig will be up.
Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay, you need to resolve to find out what AA is all about. AA is a place to stop drinking, not a hangout to meet new drinking buddies. You’ve been going for a year, yet you always seem drunk in those lovely pictures that Perez Hilton posts of you on his blog. That’s like going to a gym, not working out and then wondering why your love handles are still intact. Also, the not drinking will keep you from sending all those random e-mails to your friends that Perez likes to post. Oh, and also, buy a freaking dictionary.
The Olsens and Victoria Beckham (AKA Posh Spice) and Nicole Richie: Dear featherweights, you all need to resolve to eat. Not eat more, just eat in general. Have you taken a look at your wrists? You are practically see-through. It’s really disgusting. Get yourself a cheeseburger, extra cheese. A side note to Posh:’ You were my favorite Spice Girl.
Kevin Federline: Kevin, you should resolve not to have any more children this year. You’re doing an excellent job as a sperm donor, but society is suffering. And thank you for proving my theory that the sperm of stupid people is more potent.
Heidi Klum: Heidi, you’re beautiful; you’re a Victoria’s Secret model; you’re married to Seal; you’ve had three kids and still have the best body I’ve ever seen. Almost forgot, you also have a hit TV show. You need to resolve to not be so perfect. Seriously, can you stop this? You’re really making the rest of us look like losers.
Sylvester Stallone: Sly, please resolve not to make another Rocky movie. I’ve never watched any of these movies, but I saw previews for the sixth installment and I felt like you were my grandfather trying to prove something. It was painful watching you lumber around the ring.
That’s all the advice I’ve got for the celebrities. Happy New Year to ya’ll.
To comment on this column, email Lauren at email@example.com.