Archives

It’s like make-believe! Only awful!

by Chris Lowrance

Ah, the sweet seasonof the smear has begun, and this season will yield a bumper crop of thenastiest appeals to America’s most vicious instincts. After all, we’vegot a liberal black man with a foreign name that rhymes with “Iraq” asthe current favorite to win. If in 2004 they could take the untaintedrecord of a Vietnam war hero and make it sound like he shot Americansoldiers in return for sexual favors from Jane Fonda, just imagine thesize and smell of the BS loads we’ll see this time. If fact, I’mrather worried about the time and energy conservatives will spendcoming up with outright lies about Barack Obama, his wife, his twodaughters and their stuffed animals. With the economy in crisis, weneed that brain power coming up with new ways to profit off themisfortunes of the middle and lower classes. Therefore, in the betterinterests of the nation, I’ve taken it upon myself to write the right’slies for them. I present to you some completely baseless claims toscream endlessly at anyone who will listen. In a recent APsurvey, Obama was asked what his second career choice would be. Heresponded “architect.” Architect of America’s doom, that is! Barack Obama finds “Trapped in the Closet” entertaining in a wholly un-ironic way. In the same survey mentioned above, Obama said that “chili” is his favorite meal to cook. Chili of America’s doom, that is! Obama was the voice of Roosevelt Franklin on Sesame Street. FormerFox News talking head ED Hill lost her job for referring to the Obamas’fist bump as a “terrorist fist jab.” This was a cover-up – actually,Hill was on to something. A recently declassified al Qaeda trainingmanual has a whole chapter dedicated to the “dap of the destruction ofthe Zionists, may it please Allah,” or the “terrorist jab” for short.There are even little step-by-step diagrams, much like the ones in thechapter on how to properly fire a stinger missile, or how to cook chili. That guy on the internet that sings that “Chocolate Rain” song in the funny, deep voice? That’s Barack Obama. No kidding. Barack Obama is a Cylon. Not one of the good ones, either. Barack Obama once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Obama’slast name is actually an acronym for “Other Black Americans MightAlso.” I mean, come on, once is okay for history and all, but isn’ttwice carrying it a little too far? Okay, so Barack Obama isn’ta Muslim. It’s even worse than that. He’s Stygian, a worshipper of thegreat snake god Set. You know, like James Earl Jones in the Conanmovie? Say goodbye to prayer in schools, and hello to the sacrifice ofa beautiful young woman into a pit of vipers before each football game. Barack Obama killed your father. No, wait. Barack Obama is your father. Barack Obama became a writer on “Lost” at about the same time it started to suck. Somesay Barack Obama is a blank slate, a political Rorschach onto which wemap our own hopes and beliefs. This only scratches the surface of hisdark magnificence. Obama is a cypher, an enigma wrapped in a riddlesurrounded by questions. His mind is like smooth black glass stretchingall directions, infinite and unfathomable as the chill of space itself.He makes love like a squid enveloping it’s prey. Barack Obama can’t jump. Obama broke up Oasis. Somepeople say that in person, Obama can come off as aloof and even rude.This is because as a young man, he married the daughter of a richfamily from New York. Unbeknownst to him, madness ran in their genes,and Obama’s bride soon lost her mind. He had her locked in a secretroom in his abbey, and became cruel and withdrawn until Michele came towork as a governess in his abbey. All of Obama’s campaign funds are actually those chocolate coins wrapped in foil. Thereyou go, kids. Time to get your push-poll on. Was any of that true?Absolutely not. Will it matter? No. It’s not like anyone will bother toresearch your allegations, so smear tactics are a lot like writing anepisode of “Star Trek” – if you run out of ideas, just make somethingup. Comment on this column at chris@yesweekly.com.
Share: