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It’s like make-believe! Only awful!

by Chris Lowrance

Ah, the sweet season of the smear has begun, and this season will yield a bumper crop of the nastiest appeals to America’s most vicious instincts. After all, we’ve got a liberal black man with a foreign name that rhymes with “Iraq” as the current favorite to win. If in 2004 they could take the untainted record of a Vietnam war hero and make it sound like he shot American soldiers in return for sexual favors from Jane Fonda, just imagine the size and smell of the BS loads we’ll see this time.

If fact, I’m rather worried about the time and energy conservatives will spend coming up with outright lies about Barack Obama, his wife, his two daughters and their stuffed animals. With the economy in crisis, we need that brain power coming up with new ways to profit off the misfortunes of the middle and lower classes. Therefore, in the better interests of the nation, I’ve taken it upon myself to write the right’s lies for them. I present to you some completely baseless claims to scream endlessly at anyone who will listen.

In a recent AP survey, Obama was asked what his second career choice would be. He responded “architect.” Architect of America’s doom, that is!

Barack Obama finds “Trapped in the Closet” entertaining in a wholly un-ironic way.

In the same survey mentioned above, Obama said that “chili” is his favorite meal to cook. Chili of America’s doom, that is!

Obama was the voice of Roosevelt Franklin on Sesame Street.

Former Fox News talking head ED Hill lost her job for referring to the Obamas’ fist bump as a “terrorist fist jab.” This was a cover-up – actually, Hill was on to something. A recently declassified al Qaeda training manual has a whole chapter dedicated to the “dap of the destruction of the Zionists, may it please Allah,” or the “terrorist jab” for short. There are even little step-by-step diagrams, much like the ones in the chapter on how to properly fire a stinger missile, or how to cook chili.

That guy on the internet that sings that “Chocolate Rain” song in the funny, deep voice? That’s Barack Obama. No kidding.

Barack Obama is a Cylon. Not one of the good ones, either.

Barack Obama once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Obama’s last name is actually an acronym for “Other Black Americans Might Also.” I mean, come on, once is okay for history and all, but isn’t twice carrying it a little too far?

Okay, so Barack Obama isn’t a Muslim. It’s even worse than that. He’s Stygian, a worshipper of the great snake god Set. You know, like James Earl Jones in the Conan movie? Say goodbye to prayer in schools, and hello to the sacrifice of a beautiful young woman into a pit of vipers before each football game.

Barack Obama killed your father. No, wait. Barack Obama is your father.

Barack Obama became a writer on “Lost” at about the same time it started to suck.

Some say Barack Obama is a blank slate, a political Rorschach onto which we map our own hopes and beliefs. This only scratches the surface of his dark magnificence. Obama is a cypher, an enigma wrapped in a riddle surrounded by questions. His mind is like smooth black glass stretching all directions, infinite and unfathomable as the chill of space itself. He makes love like a squid enveloping it’s prey.

Barack Obama can’t jump.

Obama broke up Oasis.

Some people say that in person, Obama can come off as aloof and even rude. This is because as a young man, he married the daughter of a rich family from New York. Unbeknownst to him, madness ran in their genes, and Obama’s bride soon lost her mind. He had her locked in a secret room in his abbey, and became cruel and withdrawn until Michele came to work as a governess in his abbey.

All of Obama’s campaign funds are actually those chocolate coins wrapped in foil.

There you go, kids. Time to get your push-poll on. Was any of that true? Absolutely not. Will it matter? No. It’s not like anyone will bother to research your allegations, so smear tactics are a lot like writing an episode of “Star Trek” – if you run out of ideas, just make something up.

Comment on this column at chris@yesweekly.com.

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