[NEWS OF THE WEIRD]
California Polytechnic State University at San Luis Obispo has a huge, 350-student “viticulture and enology” program, preparing its majors for an industry critical to the state’s economy (and with a venerable
international cachet) — but puritanical state law continues to hobble it. Many in Cal Poly’s four-year wine-making program must arrange for a fifth year — after they turn 21 — because, otherwise, faculty and administrators could be felons for “furnishing alcohol to a minor” when they assign students to taste their own class creations. The current California legislative session is considering allowing underage wine-making students to sip and spit.
SCIENCE ON THE CUTTING EDGE
— On dairy farms across the country, cows bizarrely queue up, without prodding, to milk themselves by submitting to $250,000 robots that have recently become the salvation of the industry. According to an April New York Times report, this advance appears to be “win-win” (except for migrant laborers watching choice jobs disappear) — more efficient for the farmer and more pleasant for the cow, which — constantly pregnant — usually prefers frequent milking. Amazingly, cows have learned the drill, moseying up to the precise spot to engage the robot’s arms for washing and nipple-cupping. The robots also yield copious data tracked from transponders worn around the cow’s neck.
— Argentinian agricultural scientists in 2008 created the “methane backpack” to collect the emissions of grazing cows (with a tube from the cow’s rumen to the inflatable bag) in order to see how much of the world’s greenhouse-gas problem was created by livestock. Having discovered that figure (it’s 25-30 percent), the country’s National Institute of Agricultural Technology announced recently that it will start storing the collected methane to convert it to energy. In a “proof of concept” hypothesis, it estimates that about 300 liters of methane could power a refrigerator for 24 hours.
SCIENTISTS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN
— Bioengineers who work with Dictyostelium slime molds held the “Dicty World Race” in Boston in May for a $5,000 prize and intellectual adulation in August at the Annual International Dictyostelium Conference in Potsdam, Germany. The molds oozed down the 800-micrometer (0.0315 inches) track, lured to the finish line by ordinary bacteria that the molds normally enjoy. A team from the Netherlands beat out 19 others for the coveted prize. (Among the other “games” scientists play, mentioned in the same Nature.com story is the “Prisoners’ Smellemma,” in which players mix obscure samples in a test tube and smell the result to guess what their opponent used.)
— Artist Diemut Strebe offered his 3-Dprinted re-creation of the famous ear of Vincent van Gogh for display in June and July in a museum in Karlsruhe, Germany — having built it partially with genes from a great-great-grand-nephew of van Gogh — and in the same shape, based on computer imaging technology. (Van Gogh reputedly cut off the ear himself, in 1888, during a psychotic episode.) Visitors can also speak into the ear and listen to sounds it receives.
— Researchers from the Polish Academy of Sciences, writing recently in the journal Zoo Biology, reported witnessing 28 acts of fellatio by two orphaned male bears at a sanctuary in Kuterevo, Croatia — the first-ever report of bear fellatio and the payoff from 116 hours of scientific observation over a six-year period. In each case, the researchers wrote, the older male was the receiver, and the researchers speculated that the episodes were less sexual in nature than a reflection of the bears’ “early deprivation of maternal suckling.”
(1) A black-and-white housecat, Lenny, was turned back to a shelter near Rochester, New York, in April, only two days after adoption because the new owner could not tolerate Lenny’s flatulence. (A braver second adopter, even though “warned,” has taken Lenny in successfully.) (2) When three parrots were stolen from a home in Saxilby, England, in June, the owner provided police with their descriptions, even though all three are African greys, quite talkative and look very much alike. One of the three, however, has asthma and is easily recognized by his chronic cough. (3) Miles Jelfs of Bristol, England, was seeking financial help in April to cover surgery for his hard-luck tortoise, Cedric, whose prolapsed penis (likely from a mating mishap) constantly drags on the ground, partially erect. [Democrat & Chronicle (Rochester), 4-9-2014] [BBC News, 6-8-2014] [Daily Mail (London), 4-18-2014]
THE FINE POINTS OF THE LAW
Paul Stenstrom, 62, lived comfortably in his Palm Harbor, Florida, home from 2002- 2014 without paying a penny of his $1,836 monthly mortgage bill, exploiting federal bankruptcy law that forces foreclosing creditors to back off once a debtor files for protection. Stenstrom and his wife filed 18 separate petitions in that 12-year period, according to an April Tampa Bay Times report, until a judge recently cut them off. The Stenstroms were spotted recently preparing to relocate — but Stenstrom said he was considering buying the Palm Harbor house back (since the price has dropped because of the foreclosure).
LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATORS
— Several “professional organizers” in New York City told a New York Post reporter in May that this summer is far busier than in years past for clients who need help packing their kids’ trunks for summer camp. One consultant, who charges $250 an hour, said it is as if moms fear that the slightest change from home life will stress out their little darlings. Some mothers’ attention to details include packing the same luxury bedding the campers sleep on at home, along with their special soap and candles and even separate plastic boxes to provide the cuties more storage space.
— First-World Sales Launches: (1) Daneson (an Ontario “purveyor of fine toothpicks”) recently introduced $35.99 “Artisanal Toothpicks” (that’s per dozen, in “Single Malt” and other exotic flavors) for the discriminating dental raker. The lemon-flavored picks are a bargain at only $19.99, yet are made from the same “finest quality Northern White Birch,” “prepared according to exacting recipes.” (2) The Skin By Molly salon in Brooklyn (and by now, perhaps, competitors) offers “facials” for the derriere (occasioned by a recent social-media fascination with “bum selfies.”) Molly’s is the “Shiney Hiney Facial” ($65 for a 30-minute treatment), important because, she says, “Acne can flare up anywhere.”
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
(1) A “stocky” man in his 30s wearing a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap was sought in New York City in June after holding up five banks in the space of about three and a half hours but earning a total of only $449 (still, an average of $128 an hour). (Actually, $399 came from one Chase branch and $50 from another; three banks had shooed him away empty-handed.) (2) Notorious San Diego tagger Francisco Canseco, 18, was present in a downtown courtroom in June for a hearing on 31 misdemeanor paint-vandalism charges and apparently could not contain his boredom. While waiting (as officials discovered only the next day), Canseco managed to tag numerous chairs in the courtroom, along with benches in the hallway. (Vandalism of a courthouse is a felony.)
It turns out (contrary to a report in News of the Weird on April 20th) that Dayton, Ohio, transit driver Rickey Wagoner was not saved by the religious book in his pocket that absorbed a bullet from an attack by “three black teenagers.” After a thorough investigation, the Dayton police chief told reporters in June that Wagoner’s allegations were “unfounded” and “fabricated.” The chief reported that Wagoner was under financial stress at the time but declined to speculate further, though he did reassure the community that no such attackers were being sought.
NEW WORLD ORDER
Plant City (Florida) High School near Tampa announced that its 2014 valedictorian, Ms. Dhara Patel, had graduated with a grade-point average of 10.03. She not only vanquished the students who had fought for the formerly coveted 4.0, but she aced her heavy load of the ultra-competitive “advanced placement” courses for extra credit.
Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisers. !
© 2014 Chuck Shepherd. Universal Press Syndicate.