[NEWS OF THE WEIRD]
Enric Girona recently donated his prototype pet commode to the town of El Vendrell, Spain, hoping to spark worldwide interest. Conscientious owners would train their dogs on the station — a hole in the ground with a flush handle — which is connected to the sewer system, as is the drain grid next to it (for tinkling). The platform, which appears to occupy about 20 square feet of surface, is self- cleaning (although not too clean, said Girona, because dogs are more easily lured with a lingering scent). Spain is already one of the world’s toughest on lazy owners who fail to scoop up after their pets, with fines in El Vendrell as high as the equivalent of $1,000, and in Madrid and Barcelona, $2,000.
TOOK IT TOO FAR
— The New York customer service company United Health Programs of America provoked a federal lawsuit in June by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over its employee esprit-de-corps policy of requiring workers to pray to God on the job and to say “I love you” to their managers. According to the EEOC, the feel-good, work-harder campaign was suggested by an aunt of United’s owner and named for an obscure “truth and compassion” movement called “Onionhead.”
— After two third-graders wet their pants on May 15 at Mill Plain Elementary School in Vancouver, Wash., they blamed teachers for too-strictly enforcing their classroom’s “rewards” system, in which good behavior earns students points redeemable for, among other prizes, restroom breaks. A teachers union investigation concluded that the girls were never “denied” toilet access (but the girls’ mothers pointed out that using restroom breaks as a “reward” might be confusing to 8-year-olds).
— The Japanese snack company Calbee recently staged a promotion around popular singer Nana Mizuki, giving away 10 backstage passes to her Aug. 3 concert in Yokohama to the purchasers of 10 lucky bags of secretly marked potato chips. Her perhaps-hugest fan, Kazuki Fukumoto, 25, was so determined to win one that by the time he was arrested for littering in May, he had bought and dumped 89 cartons of potato chip packages, weighing over 400 pounds, that were found at six locations around the cities of Kobe and Akashi. Police estimate he had spent the equivalent of about $3,000.
— Took It Way Too Far: Britain’s news website Metro.co.uk, combing Facebook pages, located a full photo array from prominent 23-year-old German body art enthusiast Joel Miggler, whose various piercings and implants are impressive enough, but whose centerpieces are the portholes in each cheek that expose the insides of his mouth. (With customized plugs, he can seal the portholes when soup is on the menu.) The holes are currently 36mm wide, but he was said to be actively cheek-stretching, aiming for 40mm. Miggler assures fans that his mother likes “most” of his modifications and that the worst aspect so far is merely that he is forced to take smaller bites when eating. (News of the Weird has reported on researchers creating portholes in cows’ stomachs, but still …)
CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
(1) Until the New York governor and legislature addressed the problem recently, it was legal in the state for narcissistic animal owners to force their dogs and cats to endure permanent, decorative tattoos and piercings. At press time, Gov. Andrew Cuomo was poised to sign legislation abolishing the tattooing. (2) Kayla Oxenham, 23, was arrested in Port Charlotte, Florida, in June and charged with using a stick to burn “brands” into the skin of her two children, ages 5 and 7. Among her explanations to police: so she could identify them as being hers and because she “forgot how much she loved fire.”
— A Davenport, Iowa, jury convicted terminal-cancer patient Benton Mackenzie, 48, in July on four marijuana-growing felonies, even though his purpose was to harvest cannabis oil to treat his bloody lesions and the grapefruit-sized tumor on his buttocks. The judge had barred Mackenzie and his lawyer from even mentioning the illness in court — because of a 2005 Iowa precedent (even though the Iowa legislature has subsequently allowed medical marijuana to treat seizures). Mackenzie’s wife, his 73-year-old parents, his son and a friend were also charged with assisting Mackenzie’s “operation” (though Mackenzie was almost surely the only “customer”).
Mackenzie, who testified and was, of course, sworn to tell “the whole truth,” said he was “flabbergasted” to learn that “the whole truth” excludes anything about his illness.
— Municipal engineers in the town of Melton Mowbray, England, were called out in June to fix a lingering sewer overrun caused by, they discovered, “hundreds” of tennis balls that had apparently each been flushed down toilets. Said the project manager, “We expect (blockages from) fats and baby wipes, but….”
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT
— A 60-year-old man with a blood clot has recovered, but no thanks to the driver for the South Western Ambulance Service who was ferrying him on a long trip to the emergency room of Derriford Hospital in Plymouth, England, on April 6. The patient’s family later reported that the driver had stopped en route to pick up two hitchhikers — one a young woman in a “skimpy skirt” — and take them to an onthe-way town. The patient, in pain with his toes starting to blacken, eventually had his blood flow restored and did not lose the leg. He reported that the two riders were friendly and wanted to chat about his condition (though he was in no mood).
— The American Red Cross boasts of being “transparent and accountable” for the way it spends donations from compassionate people moved to help those in need. However, when the public policy watchdog ProPublica asked for some details on how the Red Cross used funds donated for 2012 Hurricane Sandy victims in New York, the organization begged off, claiming that details beyond broad generalities were “trade secrets” that it was entitled to protect, lest its “competitors” copy or exploit the techniques it uses to help people. (The Red Cross did release more detailed accounts to the attorney general of New York, but under an agreement of confidentiality.)
When last we encountered Briton David Truscott (2011), he was being jailed again as a serial trespasser with an unquenchable desire to sneak onto farms and pleasure himself while rolling around, nude, in manure pits — especially the farm of Clive Roth near Redruth, England. Truscott apparently emerged from prison unrepentant and was back in trouble in May with another manure pit incident, but this time accompanied by threats to harm Roth and his family and to burn down his farm buildings. (During the most recent incarceration, Truscott had received mental health treatment that allowed him actually to act out in a manure pit, and officials believe he took a turn for the worse when that treatment was curtailed.)
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS
Recurring Theme: Police in Delray Beach, Florida, barely broke a sweat in July arresting Perry Martin, 55, two days after he burglarized cars, since the crime was caught on the resident’s security camera, and the perp was wearing his company work shirt. An officer showed the video to the I Got Wood LLC flooring company’s owner, who quickly identified Martin.
A NEWS OF THE WEIRD CLASSIC (DECEMBER 2009)
The October (2009) “Miss Asia” beauty pageant in Hong Kong mostly followed a traditional script, but special bonus competitions were added, according to a report in The Straits Times. Contestants appeared behind boards with only certain body parts exposed so that judges could comment publicly without knowing which woman they were evaluating. Breast- and waist-judging turned out well for each of the three finalists, but the winner emerged only after the judges had harsh words for the hair of the other two. Wang Zhi Fei and Wang Chen learned the hard way about, respectively, their “lots of dandruff and oily scalp” and significant “signs of hair loss.” !
Thanks This Week to Kev of arbroath.blogspot.com, and Perry Levin, and Thanks to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Bob McCabe, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Sandy Pearlman, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Peter Smagorinsky, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).
© 2014 Chuck Shepherd. Universal Press Syndicate.