Doing Time Right

In October, a Harvard University debate team (three-time recent champions of the American Parliamentary Debate Association) lost a match to a team of prisoners from the maximum security Eastern New York Correctional Facility. Prison debaters “are held to the exact same standards” as college debate teams, according to the director of Bard College’s Prison Initiative, which coaches the inmates. Prisoners took the “pro” side of public schools having the right to turn away students whose parents had entered the U.S. illegally (though team members personally disagreed). The Bard trainers pointed out that the inmates perfected their presentation despite (or perhaps because of) the prison prohibition on Internet access.

Compelling Explanations

A black alleged gang member, Taurus Brown, 19, under arrest in Clearwater, Florida, in September for having a marijuana cigarette casually tucked behind his ear as he talked politely to a white police officer, tried to flee on foot but was quickly taken down. Asked why he ran, Brown replied (according to the police report): “I don’t like white people touching me. White people do weird stuff.”

Legislators in Action

— In a recent resolution, Blount County (Tennessee) Commissioner Karen Miller called for her fellow commissioners and state officials all the way up to the governor to prepare for “God’s wrath” for recent national policies (same-sex marriage, etc.) she disagrees with. Though other states might be in for a smiting, Miller’s resolution calls on God to spare Blount County (by the “safety of the Passover lamb”). In October, the commission tabled the resolution, 10-5, but she promised to reintroduce it.

— By September, Cindy Gamrat and Todd Courser were finally out of the Michigan Legislature — Gamrat by guardescorted removal after her formal expulsion and Courser by pre-emptive resignation — following the pair’s months-long “secret” sexual affair and clumsy handling of its revelation. Courser’s original defense strategy was to plant a bogus story of a gay-sex scandal, hoping to discredit as hysteria any news about his actual affair, but when that failed, he issued a 1,900- word plea, liberally quoting the Bible, acknowledging his hypocrisy and hoping for salvation from his colleagues (who failed to come through).

The Weirdo-American Community

“Officially” declaring oneself not subject to the laws of any jurisdiction (i.e., a “sovereign”) opens a wide range of career choices. The FBI and Las Vegas police say that in Rick Van Thiel’s case, once his porn industry career ended (because someone stole his video equipment), he “decided to go into the medical field,” becoming “Dr. Rick” with expertise performing dozens of abortions, circumcisions and castrations (plus cancer treatments and root canals). Proudly avoiding actual licensing, Van Thiel promoted “alternative” remedies, with an office in a Nevada compound of trailers that one hesitant “patient” described as something out of a horror movie. Van Thiel, arrested in October, nonetheless staunchly defended his ability (acquired, he said, by watching YouTube medical videos). (Bonus entertainment: In court, he will be acting as his own lawyer.)


In June, Tennessee’s much-publicized program to kick drug users off of welfare rolls (and only from welfare rolls, among all people receiving any type of state subsidy) wound up its first year cutting off fewer than 40 people out of 28,559 people on public assistance (“temporary assistance to needy families”). Nonetheless, the sponsoring legislators said they were pleased with the program and planned no changes. The state paid a contractor $11,000 to conduct 468 drug tests, but did not disclose staff costs of processing applications, deciding who to test and managing cases.

Least Competent Criminals

— Not Ready for Prime Time: It was at 7:30 a.m. on Oct. 8 that, according to Dallas police, Kristopher Jones, 18, and a buddy decided it would be Joy’s Donut shop they should rob. As they exited the store (one carrying the shop’s cash register), a uniformed, off-duty officer (who apparently had pulled up to the store — for doughnuts) saw the whole thing and arrested Jones (though his partner was able to flee).

— I’m Da Man! John Morgan, 28, and Ashley Duboe, 24, were charged in September with robbing the Savings Bank in Ashville, Ohio — with their apprehension made easier by Morgan’s Facebook photos of himself riffling through (and with a mouthful of) his newly acquired stack of bills (a “McStack,” he wrote) and describing his current elation: “I got six bands bra … I’m doing rrree=aaaalll good.” (Police were quick to find the Facebook page because Morgan was already on parole from a 2010 bank robbery.)

Armed & Clumsy (All-New!)

More Men Who Accidentally Shot Themselves Recently: A 16-year-old boy, in the leg — for the second time in three months (same leg) (Tulsa, Oklahoma, September). A road-rager waving a gun at a motorist, jarring his trigger finger as he subsequently crashed (Estero, Florida, September). Christen Reece, 23, shot in the head demonstrating to friends the gun’s “safety” (Navajo County, Arizona, September). A man celebrating his 21st (and, alas, final) birthday (Dallas, July). A 49-year-old man who failed the “removing the magazine does not clear the chamber” test (Mims, Florida, June). Martin Hoyer, 51, who failed the “waistband is not a holster” test (Wenatchee, Washington, September). Thomas Javier, 26, trying to hide his gun (after being caught urinating in the street) and fumbling it, accidentally shooting himself in the vicinity of the organ in question. (Brooklyn, New York, September). Donald Watson, 43, slipping a for-sale gun into his pocket and somehow firing on his penis (Sioux Falls, South Dakota, September). !

© 2015 Chuck Shepherd. Universal Press Syndicate.