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[RYAN’S FORECAST]

by Ryan Snyder

Upcoming shows you should check out

WHERE ARE YOU, KELLZ?

Well, if this hasn’t taught you nothin’ else, it’s that everybody’s got a closet and they own problems that need solvin’. What’s that? The coursing pains caused by the acute lack of available tickets for R. Kelly’s sold-out Friday night performance at the War Memorial Auditorium. You can call Twan on the corner in front of the liquor store, Rosie and Randolph, Tina and Roxanne, Joey, Reverend Moseley, Big Man, James, Pimp Luscious, but they can’t help you. Kellz will be so close, yet so far away at the same time, kind of like the coupla racks that Pimp Luscious needed to borrow from Sylvester in a glorious ep. 26 of the “Trapped In the Closet” saga. Speaking of, will Tina see the error of her ways and beg for Roxanne back? Who’s behind the mysterious phone calls? Will the book offer any resolution? More importantly, wheeeeere’s Chuuuuuuuck? Where are you Chuck?

ROSS ISN’T THE ONLY BOSS AT MMG’S GREENSBORO STOP

For all the anticipation of Frank Ocean’s involvement, nothing on the soundtrack to Django Unchained will get wider play than Rick Ross’s lead single “100 Black Coffins.” It’s a ruthless cut, part stutter-stepped banger and part spaghetti Western from the point of view of Jamie Foxx’s title character, the man who also produced the song. For a revenge track, he is quite specific as to the number and color of the coffins, bibles and preachers he needs. The production is a little gimmicky, complete with every Western trope packed into three minutes, but given that Ross has been playing rapper for a while now, Foxx can take his turn playing Rick Rubin. It’s likely to be a centerpiece to Ross’s headlining spot on the MMG Tour, coming to the Greensboro Coliseum this Friday, but given that Ross can’t improve much upon his Superjam performance from the summer, this is the spot to evaluate another label boss, one with more promise than Ross ever flashed in Philly emcee Meek Mill. Tickets start at $39.75, and Wale and Machine Gun Kelly also support.

THE ‘G’ STANDS FOR GANGSTERMOTHERFU*KER

In the decades of published literature on the topic of Kenny G, it wasn’t until a mid-November 2012 blog post by the Village Voice that a truly definitive piece had emerged on the mercurial master. The controversial piece follows young Kenneth Bruce Gotti from the time when the immortal soul of John Coltrane found its final resting place within him, to his early days of headlining Birdland to give his mob crew leeway to rip it off, to the defeat of Coltrane’s soul by 48 continual hours of exposure to Muzak while trapped in an elevator, to providing the cover image of Death Grips’ new album. Kenny G’s story is one of gratuitous violence, lavish material excess and flaccid, soul-numbing melodies, and the next chapters will be written on Tuesday, Dec. 11 when he lays waste to the Lawrence Joel Veterans Memorial with help from the Piedmont Wind Symphony. G will draw from his nearly 8,000 Christmas albums for an evening that’s likely to make at least a few people forsake their God and swear themselves to the Kult of Kenny. Tickets range from $35 to $125, though ultra VIP tickets allow him to assume jus primae noctis are sold out.

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