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[RYAN’S FORECAST]

by Ryan Snyder

Upcoming shows you should check out

THE NEW, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

The same people who breathed life into the Lady Gaga golem have been experimenting with boy bands, and their masterpiece has finally reached (pre-)maturation. Mindless Behavior have outgrown the Justin Bieber opening slots and the teen-pop megatours, becoming being the centerpiece of their own preteen desire-fueled apparatus, which comes to the Greensboro Coliseum’s Special Events Center this Sunday. But to paraphrase David Wooderson, as the boy-band model gets older, its audience stays the same age, and the same tropes that have worked in the past will continue to make teen girls squeal. The band is Roc Royal (favorite subject: math and science), Princeton (worst habit: biting his nails), Ray Ray (favorite color: purple) and Prodigy (signature accessory: teddy-bear chain), who naturally came together when they were plucked from their existences by a Svengali who tempered them into a pop juggernaut Best of the Best-style. Parents don’t have to know the words to know the songs, however unpalatable they are.

“KeepHer On the Low” and “Mrs. Right” are R. Kelly’s “Down Low” and “Homie Lover Friend” re-engineered for digital age attention spans, served to an audience that would have been calling in to request New Edition’s “Mr. Telephone Man” on “Video Soul” circa 1984, or B2K’s “Bump, Bump, Bump” precisely 18 years later. It’s incredibly dumb, fleeting and innocent fun for middle-school girls that’s time-stamped for right now, and 20 years from now when they’re on the New Kids-style nostalgia circuit, those 3G and Macbook mentions are going to be the payphone and Trapper Keeper references of their time. Tickets for the show start at $45.

HARD APPLE CIDERS TO ORANGE HEFEWEIZENS

Take a look at what the Summertime Brews Fest has to say about designated drivers on their website’s frequently asked questions: “We provide a lot of great entertainment that is worth the price of admission. Plus, the ticket price reflects a donation for the benefiting charity and can be considered a tax deduction by some creative accountants.” So in the process of rejecting best practices for responsible alcohol consumption according to the US Department of Transportation, not only are they suggesting your friends commit possible tax fraud, but that copy was lifted directly from last year’s World Beer Festival FAQ, who has since amended their response to not recommend lying on a federal form. At a $35 ticket price, it’s also a terribly deficient in its justification. It ignores the fact that WBF, being an outdoor event, has superior ambiance and alternatives for the sober crowd, better music all around and, for the drinkers, vastly superior beer offerings. SBF takes a bad Incubus knockoff from New Orleans in Chasing Daylight, a duo that can literally be seen for free on any given week around town in Evan and Dana, and meh incarnate in Stratocruiser, put them in a room with the acoustics of a tin can, and make them compete with 1,000 yahoos bleating like sheep every time a glass breaks and says, “Watch this while your friends get plastered.” For $35, it’s something only a masochist would enjoy, but staying home and setting a reminder to call a cab is completely free.

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