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Steroids are given their own team: NFL welcomes the Oklahoma Stackers in 2011

New York, NY — After years of fighting steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell finally acquiesced. Goodell: “We’ve determined that steroids were running rampant in the NFL anyway, we might as well give them their own team.”

In July 2011 the NFL preseason will debut the Oklahoma Stackers in a game against the Kansas City Chiefs. In Monday’s press conference, Stackers owner Mike Balco said, “We are pleased to be officially part of the NFL.” Several names were in the running for the new Oklahoma-based team, but the ’Roids, Bolics and Red Power Ranger Go-Go Juices all were set aside for the classier Stackers name.

Early indications are that sport-fan villain and athlete favorite, steroids, may not actually compete well.

Steroid expert Jacqueline Joyner said “[Steroids] might be the star of this team today, but [steroids] are so old…. [Steroids] will find it hard to compete against the newer, more effective performance-enhancing drugs.”

Chris Berman, of “Monday Night Countdown” on ABC, picks erythropoietin or human growth hormone to end up in the Pro Bowl 2012, “Talk about the fastest three minutes in sports. EPO and hGH are tomorrow’s superstars. They… could… go… un… detected! Woooooop. Next thing you know, touchdown.”

Goodell intended to dim the steroids spotlight plaguing the NFL, however the news immediately sparked new controversy. Within 14 hours of the Stacker press conference, news broke that new samples from the several of the first-team steroids of the Stackers showed that they were tainted with trace amounts of athlete — in some cases the steroids were tainted with as much as 1 percent of substances proven to be athlete.

A disappointed Goodell said, “When will the steroids learn that performance-enhanceming drugs and athletes don’t mix.”

(April fools)

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