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TEN BEST Easter Treats

by Matt Goldman

Peeps

No doubt the most infamous Easter candy ever created by man. The formula is simple: gelatin, carnauba wax, marshmallow and a just a hint of sugar. Some argue peeps are better when they are stale, so they’ll unwrap them and let them sit out for a few hours, thus instilling in them a more chewy consistency. Those who don’t like diabetes have discovered a more recreational use. Rather than eating them they play a game called “peep jousting” in which a toothpick is stuck to each peep. The two are then placed in a microwave and heated up. As the gelatinous warriors expand, their “lances” get closer and closer to one another. Whoever pops first is the loser. It’s kind of like G-rated cock fighting.

Cadbury Creme Eggs

Weighing in at 1.4 ounces each, these babies pack quite a sugary punch. In order to take down one of these bad boys, you’ll need a substantial threshold for the saccharine. The initial nibble’s not so bad – just a bit of the milk chocolate shell. But don’t be fooled. With the second bite comes your first taste of that faux-yolk crème filling. A fleeting wave of ecstasy will turn into nausea followed by full on delerium. Cadbury Creme Eggs should not be ingested by anyone over the age of 10.

Chocolate bunny rabbits

No basket is complete without this edible homage to Christianity’s pagan leanings. They come in various sizes and prices. The candy department in Bloomingdales, for instance, sells one that stands eight and a quarter inches tall for a whopping $46. If you’re a normal person, you can get them at the drug store for a few bucks. Regardless of what kind of chocolate bunny you’re nibbling on, it’s sacrilege if you don’t start with the ears.

Jellybeans

While jellybeans can be purchased year round, Easter is their time to shine. As the foot soldiers of the Easter basket their job is to lie unassumingly beneath that weird plastic grassy stuff and wait until all other candy options have been exhausted. What appears to be an empty basket to the untrained eye is actually swarming with these clutch candies; In basketball terms, jellybeans would be the sixth man.

Kinder Surprise

Also known as Kinder Egg, this treat is much too unique to be American. The hollowed-out chocolate egg comes from Germany and contains a toy animal statuette inside. The Kinder Egg is tough to find in the states since the Food and Drug Administration considers them a choking hazard and has subsequently banned them. Apparently they’re too complex for Americans as well. To be fair, it is difficult to distinguish between the taste of chocolate and plastic.

Life-size chocolate Christ

Another European creation, this Italian sculptor’s rendition of Jesus on the cross is 200 pounds of dark chocolate… and holiness. Some Catholics may be torn about this one since it makes the body of Christ taste a whole lot better while at the same time disproving the theory that Jesus was white.

Any old candy with special Easter edition form or wrapping, or anything shaped like an egg

This includes malted milk eggs, egg shaped gumballs, egg shaped Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and pistachios.

Hasenpheffer (rabbit stew)

No one said Easter treats had to be sweet. Besides being really fun to say, the Bavarian delicacy literally translates to “German Rabbit” and could make for a welcome change to the usual Easter Ham. Also, Indulging in Hasenpheffer would mean real rabbit for dinner and the chocolate variety for dessert. Now that’s dedication to the form.

Wine

It’s one of the few times in the year when it’s acceptable to drink on a Sunday morning. Take full advantage. It will make your extended family seem much more entertaining and, more importantly, tolerable.

Matzo

Because Easter time for Gentiles means Passover for Jews. Sure, the unleavened bread tastes like cardboard but it sure is versatile. You can make a sandwich, spread some butter on it or finally fix that wobbly kitchen table that you’ve been ignoring for so long.

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