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by Jeff Laughlin

10 WORST GOOD-INTENTIONED IDEAS FOR FATHER’S DAY

RANDOMLY COMPILED

BREAKFAST IN BED

This goes for Mothers’ Day too. You can’t cook, kids. And if you could, you’d be in regular rotation while mom and pop watched “Modern Family” instead of making you dinner. Even if mom helps, the sheets will need washing, the wake-up could be particularly brutal and who knows what dad did to celebrate the night before? He’s tired. Let him sleep a little. Maybe lunch at a good burger joint instead?

CLOTHES

Your father has been working on his awkward style for decades now. Adding your uninformed ideas to the mix only counteracts his research. Sure, he may not look as hip as the current swath of musicians these days, but he’s doing okay. Those ties or the striped shirt? Let him buy them with your allowance. It makes sense.

GREETING CARDS

The cartoon animal on the front with the wrinkles under his eyes? The cheesy saying on the inside that you think is twisted and hilarious? The poignant poetics about the triumph of fatherhood? Terrible. Your dad has told some obscene, tasteless jokes that would scare that cartoon animal back to the woods. And he’s read better poems in school than these trite mockeries of his accomplishments. He drove a fast foreign car once. Find a greeting card about that.

HOMEMADE GREETING CARDS

Kids, you may captain an industry one day. You may lead us all into a new Golden Age. You might become a huge rap star. But the frog you drew on construction paper cannot serve as anything other than a few squiggles on the path to stardom.

TABLETOP GAMES

The football your dad watches on Sundays, the hats he wears around the house, the people he cheers for? They didn’t get good at their sport by flicking a tiny football at a tiny goalpost across a cubicle or a coffee table. Throw the ball around outside together. Go to a professional or minorleague game. Or even better, ask mom what his favorite “daddy juice” is and sit silently during the game. Best gift you can give.

TIES

I know I sort-of covered this already, but just put that down. Put it down. Walk toward the toys and occupy yourself. Put that DOWN.

ELECTRONICS

I’m not sure what that plugs into, but your dad may not own one. Headphones do not need skulls or logos on them. This didn’t come with the cords to make it work with the TV in the den? Cool.

ITHINGS

The cover to your dad’s phone doesn’t need to tell people what basketball team he likes. He can tell them that with the too-tight fitted hat you bought him last year. Nice try though. And the Ed Hardy design on that iPad sleeve looks cool in theory but he’s in the winter of his life, guys.

MAN-SCENTED CANDLES

Take him somewhere where they cook bacon instead of a candle that will make him hungry all the damn time. That’s just common knowledge.

CUPS

This counts mugs, pint glasses, wine glasses or anything drink-related. Yep, even the cold-drink preservers and koozies. And this goes for any gift: if it has any combination of “No. 1,” “World’s Best/Greatest,” “Love” or anything of the like, rest assured that your father will see nothing creative from you your whole life without thinking of that awful “gift.” And he will only blame himself. Don’t perpetuate the circle, kids.

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