[THE ADVICE GODDESS]
LOVE • SEX • DATING • MARRIAGE • QUESTIONS
When Horndog Met Sally
A male friend just tried to booty call me (texting after midnight that he was horny). I’m angry and revolted. I’ve known he’s liked me, thanks to his constant icky comments all over my Facebook photos, even while I was in a serious relationship. I deleted most, thinking he’d get the hint, and after my relationship ended, I hinted further by posting about how in love I still was with my ex. Yet, when I’d call this guy about volunteering we both do, he’d say things like, “I was hoping you wanted a date.” He scheduled a meeting, presumably with other volunteers, but I found myself across a restaurant table from him, alone. My body language conveys my distaste for any involvement with him — crossed arms, jutting chin, etc. I’m upset that he’s never cared that I’m not interested, and I’m ready to end our friendship. Unfortunately, we share work and social circles, so any tension would be noticed right away. Am I being rash? — Disrespected
The guy’s style of romancing is right out of “Sleeping Beauty”: “Hi… oh, sorry… you sound tired… anyway, I was wondering, would it be okay if I stopped over and we had sex?” And how rude that he has yet to accept how uninterested in him you are when you’ve not only left numerous obtuse hints about it on Facebook but used body language to make it perfectly clear. I mean, why would a woman ever cross her arms but to say, “I’m days away from filing a restraining order against you”? And regarding how physically revolting you find him, your chin must have told him so at least six times.
The truth is, men are predisposed to not get it, thanks to what evolutionary psychologist David Buss, in The Evolution of Desire, calls “cognitive biases in sexual mind reading.” This maybe calls to mind a confused psychic in a sex den but actually describes men’s evolved predisposition to make the least costly mating error — which would be overestimating women’s interest (from ambiguous signals like a smile or friendliness) rather than underestimating it. Overestimating it might lead to some embarrassment; underestimating it could mean that generations upon generations of a man’s potential descendants meet their end in an old sock (or whatever men used before there were socks).
Women tend to think kindness and bluntness are mutually exclusive. They’re not. The kindest thing you could’ve done — and the least socially awkward — would’ve been telling this guy, clearly and firmly, from the start, that the tone and quantity of his Facebook comments were a problem. Then, if inappropriate remarks and behavior kept flying, you’d tell him explicitly: “Friendship. Period.” Tell him so now — in the least embarrassing way, in writing. Explain that the text made you feel really upset and disrespected, and add, “I’m going to forget this happened (and hope you will, too).” To stop feeling angry, remind yourself that he most likely didn’t get the message because it wasn’t sent in a way he could understand — which kept him marching clueless doofusstyle toward that ever-so-charming “Can’t a friend drop by at midnight for a quickie?”
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com) © 2013 Amy Alkon Distributed by Creators.Com.