by the YES! Weekly Staff

1) Your favorite meal is:

A. Free wings at the bar during happy hour

B. Whatever chicken dish they’re serving at the convention

C. Falafel made with locally grown garbanzo beans, served on lavash imported from the West Bank

D. Ribeye, rare, with freedom fries, liberty cabbage and apple pie

2) Where do you live?

A. My girlfriend’s couch

B. A really nice condo downtown. It makes so much sense to buy in this market, dontcha think?

C. A collective house with 11 other socially conscious individuals, six chickens, three cats and a mulching toilet

D. Out in the county in my parents’ basement. With my guns. You got a problem with that?

3) What’s your major?

A. Undeclared

B. I’m a double major: pre-law and poli sci.

C. Women’s studies, even though I’m a dude.

D. History, to keep those liberal professors honest.

4) What’s in your CD player?

A. Daughtry rules!

B. John Mayer, “Waiting on the World to Change”

C. Trust me, you’ve never heard of them, but they played a show in my friend’s collective house last week.

D. Toby Keith, “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)”

5) What kind of art is on your wall?

A. Free beer posters with Sapphic overtones.

B. Awards and certificates of recognition. Pictures of me shaking hands with George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton.

C. Found art and fliers from rock shows.

D. Guns, animal heads and pictures of Jesus.

6) What is your drink of choice?

A. Whatever’s on special that night.

B. Martinis made from the tears of street urchins.

C. Dry white wine using only fair-trade grapes.

D. Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

7) Which “Scooby Doo” character do you most resemble?

A. Shaggy

B. Fred

C. Velma

D. Old Man Withers who runs the haunted amusement park.

8) What kind of dog do you own?

A. One of those little ones that the chicks dig.

B. High-strung purebred of eminent lineage and the papers to prove it.

C. Whatever it is, I’ve “taught” it to eat tofu in between its attempted suicides.

D. Smellin’ hound

9) What is your secret shameful fantasy?

A. Uhh… 5th base?

B. You’ve been a bad, bad boy! Now, put on that dress.

C. Double Whopper with cheese.

D. Baaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

10) Your overriding thought:

A. Huh?

B. Mwahahahahahah!

C. What would Bono do?

D. I aint no queer.

You kept track of your answers, right? Good! You are college material, Einstein! Now count up the number of “A”‘s, “B”‘s, “C”‘s and “D”‘s you answered, and refer to the handy chart below:

The Party party

If you answered “A” to most of the questions on this quiz, then congratulations, you can now consider yourself a card-carrying member of the Party party. You came to college to enjoy yourself, not to register to vote! A member of the “silent majority,” you scan newspapers like this one looking for drink coupons, not the latest city council scoop. Chances are your political awakening – if you ever have one – will happen later in life, when it starts affecting you personally.


So you’re a “B.” The majority of your college wardrobe is pinstriped, and you arrived at college a veteran political campaigner. You’ve served on student council since 5th grade, and now that you’re in college, you get to run for student government. True, you may not wield much power in that position, but it sure will buff that résumé. In 10 years, you’ll be on track to make partner. And after you’ve made your fortune, you’ll start eyeing federal office.

Patchouli sniffers

If you’re a “C,” you’re probably spending more time memorizing chants and occupying university buildings than you are actually going to class. You also probably go to Guilford College. Expensive liberal arts schools have a proud history of graduating radical activists. You’ll learn a lot about cooking soy products, and probably meet the love of your life at a WTO protest. College will be fun for you, and when you graduate, you’ll either find gainful employment in a book or record store, or you’ll go on to get your doctorate.

Jesse Helms spawn

Remember when former US Sen. Jesse Helms suggested the state skip building a zoo in Asheboro and just erect a fence around UNC-Chapel Hill? You, my dear friend who answered “D” to most of our questions, are on a mission to prevent any sort of crazy liberalism from taking root at our area colleges and universities. Your relationship to most of your professors is combative, and you are pretty sure your low marks are the result of their deep-seated bias against conservatives. Your main goal at college isn’t to graduate with honors or score a dream internship; it’s to file as many lawsuits against the institution as possible before your four years are up.