Ten Best: City Council election blind items

by the YES! staff

Greensboro’s most eligible

We did not invent the “blind item” – that distinction has been lost in the annals of tabloid history. But we know a good thing when we see one! So we’re appropriating… uh, localizing the form, only instead of talking about shaved starlets, we’re dishing dirt on some of the 32 candidates in the 2007 Greensboro municipal elections. Let’s start with an easy one: Which candidate was once considered the choicest of choice cuts in the Greensboro singles market back when people still used the word “discotheque”?

Iron freak

Everybody has a past. Some are more unsavory than others, some are down right wholesome and some even manage to be impressive. This is one of the impressive ones. Which powerful 2007 candidate established a world record for the deadlift in a world-wide competition? Bonus for spelling the name right.

Johnny Fever’s revenge

Another easy one: Which 2007 candidate attended the same high school that routinely thwarted Howard Hesseman’s class of gifted students from the fictional Millard Fillmore High at the annual New York City academic tournament? Come on… didn’t anybody else watch “Head of the Class”?

Felonious feelings

Which seasoned political challenger once sealed a bad match with someone later connected to a nearby gambling ring? The politician in question had the union annulled, effectively wiping all of its traces from the books. The erstwhile spouse has since seen fortunes decline even more when the state of North Carolina officially outlawed the video gambling machines integral to the illegal enterprise.

Of carts and horses

Which 2007 candidate has also announced a run as a Democratic opponent against Howard Coble for his US Congressional District 6 seat in 2008, even though said candidate is a registered Republican?

Playing hardball

A lot of candidates send tips to the media about their opponents and all the horrible, nasty things they’ve done. Which candidate has a history of this behavior, and also a proclivity for conspiracy theories?

“That’s D-U-M-A-S”

And which candidate, when trying to anonymously pass information about his opponents to the YES! Weekly staff, calls from his own cell phone, the number of which we have memorized due to the frequency of his calls? We also theorize that he e-mails under the aliases “Mike Kennedy” and “Mike Johnson,” unless the three of them had the same English teacher and, therefore, are prone to identical grammatical errors.

Plastic fantastic

Which candidate devoted at least as much time last year to staving off the ravages of age as she did boning up on the particulars of local government? According to our sources, she’s retrofitted practically every inch of her body: tummy, brows, breasts and jowls. Check the eyebrows of this year’s political crop for clues; the candidate in question has injected enough Botox to render hers immobile.

Makeup mistakes

Which candidate wears a foundation so purplish-blue in her official headshot that employees of the YES! Weekly offices wondered about her body’s ability to absorb oxygen? Not to mention the heavy violet eye shadow and scarlet lipstick. We’d get on this particular candidate about the Wolverine-esque highlights in her hair, if it didn’t seem such a popular choice among all the Gate City politicos.

Ol’ Blue eyes

Which 2007 candidate inspired four-fifths of the female employees at YES! Weekly to participate in an extended rumination of the relative dreaminess of his eyes on an afternoon that would have been better served by, you know, actual work?