Ten Best: Obscure fetishes
The Rev. Gary Aldridge of Montgomery, Ala., was found dead last June of accidental asphyxiation. What was not revealed until thesmokinggun.com published the good reverend’s official autopsy records this month was that Aldridge was “found hogtied and wearing two complete wetsuits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers.” In the interest of preventing any further fetish-related injuries/deaths, I did some research on “paraphilias,” fixations on objects, activities or body-parts that without which sexual gratification is limited or impossible. It turns out that as fetishes go, Aldridge’s penchant for rubber: boooooring. There’re far more interesting kinks out there, and thanks to the internet you can satisfy them without going to such disastrous lengths.
Yeah, that’s right. Sneezing. Atchoo. Gezundheit. Are you getting hot? Then you probably have a sneezing fetish. No, I’m not making this up (which goes for the other eight as well). There are actually people out there (and I’d like to state right up front that I’m not passing judgement on any of you sick freaks) that are aroused by sneezing and the act of blowing one’s nose. Don’t believe me? Then check out sfarchive.beastlet.com for some hot nostril-on-hanky sneezefic. (Disclaimer: In a sane world this would go without saying but, for those few readers who’ve been living on a commune for the last two decades, the internet, including most of the sites mentioned in this article, has nudity on it.)
OK, this one at least sort of makes sense: women and men, with bodies that make supermodels look dumpy, wearing mostly revealing and entirely skintight outfits. And given that comic books are a large part of the adolescence (read: sexually formative years) of a small population of men (and an even smaller population of women), it’s not surprising that communities of genuinely talented artists have taken to depicting Wonder Woman, Supergirl and the X-Ladies (to name but the most popular) in a variety of naked and sexual situations (see catthouse.com for a sampling). There’re probably some mommy issues in there somewhere, what with the eroticized powerful women and all, but that’s best left to their individual counselors.
Chicks with guns
The gun is the ultimate phallic symbol. It’s like a penis but better: you can kill someone with it. So this fetish could be viewed as an extension of the strap-on. The obliquely titled chicksandguns.com features a bevy of babes who should be considered “armed and extremely gorgeous” awkwardly holding a variety of lethal instruments. Sections include Sexy Spies, Wild West Women and Knife-Wielding Hussies.
A “looner” is the commonly-accepted term (as commonly accepted as such a thing can be) for a balloon fetishist. Loonervision.com caters to this incredibly specialized interest with videos of scantily-clad women (it seems to be mostly men who have these kinks, or at least who are willing to pay to see them) rubbing against balloons, blowing balloons up and popping them. Some looners only get off on inflation, others only on bursting; others like BTP, short for Blow-To-Pop; some just like hearing them squeak as they’re rubbed. Then there’s the sub-section that’s into inflatable pool toys. Really.
Now this one, like putting on two layers of smothering rubber in June in Alabama, needs some supervision or ideally is satisfied vicariously on video. A combination of foot fetish and dom/sub play, trampling involves one person, usually male, lying face up and being walked on. Female tramplers frequently wear high heels to heighten the agony/ecstasy that their partner/doormat experiences, and many male tramplees enjoy having their face, stomach, neck and – prepare to wince – genitalia trodden upon. Hoes.com/fetish-trample.html describes it as “a win-win situation where everyone is getting off.” I’ll take their word for it.
Most of us have been skinny dipping (and if you haven’t, put it on your list of things to do before you die – consider it a baby step before you go skydiving or run with the bulls) and if our significant other was with us we’ve at least engaged in some amorous play under the waves. Videos feature intercourse underwater (sometimes in scuba gear, which is just as sexy as it sounds) The web site uwart.tripod.com/Potaw/potaw.html features artwork of famous celebrities underwater, including the Austin Powers girls catfighting amongst sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.
There are dangerous fetishes, and then there are fetishes that can’t possibly ever be realized. Vorarephilia, or ‘vore’ for short, involves being eaten (literally, not the fun kind that we all know and love) alive, eating another alive or watching this happen. Vore overlaps with a number of different other fetishes, including zoophilia when the person is swallowed by an animal such as a snake; xenophilia when eaten by an alien; and macrophilia when consumed by a giant version of another human. If any of this is even remotely appealing, aryion.com has more artwork than most people (myself especially) can stomach (ba-dum-bump).
Generally this refers to the fetishization of people who are deformed or monstrous in some way. Most creatures from mythology, especially humans-animal combinations such as the Minotaur and the mermaid, fall under this category when eroticized. There are any number of sites devoted to this fetish, but I wanted to include at least one that caters to women (and gay men… mostly gay men) and boytaur.net fills the bill, featuring photomanipulations of realistic-looking (in the sense that underwear models are realistic) male centaurs frolicking in pastures. It also features men with multiple sets of arms and legs. Consider yourselves warned.
No, that’s not a typo. There is indeed a class of individual that is aroused by, and apparently makes sweet love to, fresh-baked bread. It’s warm, it’s soft. Um… it reminds the fetishist of when they were children? OK, OK, in the spirit of full disclosure, this may well be nonsense. I was not able to find any genuine reference to it outside of Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary, so it’s entirely possible someone just made it up. But really, is it any more ridiculous than some of the others on this list?