Ten Best: People who will never be president

by Brian Clarey

Dennis Kucinich

It’s an election year – an important one – so get used to seeing lots of politics in our pages in 2008. For now, we’ll run down a list of folks who, in our opinion, just aren’t going to make it to the highest seat in the land, starting with this guy. Sure, we love Kucinich and his tiny tough-guy thing. We love that he played quarterback for his high school football team (third string). We love that he was the youngest mayor of Cleveland (with mixed results). And we love his wife (though personally John McCain’s wife does it for me in a bigger way). But Kucinich will never be president because he’s too honest, too angry, too uncompromising and – let’s face it – too short.

Ross Perot

Here’s another guy who was painted as a lunatic in the 1992 election when he described the “giant sucking sound” that would emit from Mexico if the North American Free Trade Agreement was passed. The tiny billionaire also claimed Republican operatives tried to infiltrate his daughter’s wedding. He turned out to be right about NAFTA, of course, but the lunatic tag stuck. He’ll probably never run for office again, which is a shame because we could watch Dana Carvey’s impression of him all day long.

Ted Kennedy

Every family’s got one of these. He looks and sounds just like the rest of them, but when measured up against his brothers he just doesn’t stack up. Even if Chappaquiddick never happened, the youngest Kennedy brother wouldn’t have made the cut on the presidential stage because… wait for it… he could barely pass the bar. Zing! Seriously, Teddy should be commended for his lifetime of service to the people of Massachusetts, his dedication to the Democratic Party and his astounding capacity for scotch.

Ron Paul

We admire his anger, his independence and his blimp, but there’s just no way this guy can take the race. The Republican Party will never let this guy through, even if he somehow manages to get the votes, which he can’t, even if he were running under a Libertarian Party ticket. Also, we suspect many of his supporters are not actually going to vote for him (see “Ralph Nader”).

Pat Robertson

Who wouldn’t want a president who can leg press 2,000 pounds? That’s nearly a ton! And also nearly 700 pounds heavier than the world record. Plus, he’s got a direct line to Jesus and/or God. But Robertson would have to give up an awful lot of power (and a pretty serious pay cut) to be president. He’s better off staffing the White House with graduates of his Regent University “law school,” which has placed 150 of them with jobs in the Bush administration.

Bill Maher

He’s pretty sharp, but there’s no way this guy could even be elected president of his own fan club. He’s not married, but has lots of sex. He unabashedly smokes weed. He makes fun of the Pope’s hat and he thinks the Olympics are gay.

Alec Baldwin

Love him on “30 Rock.” Loved him in Glengarry Glen Ross (“Coffee’s for closers!”). Loved him in The Departed, and we even loved him in Beetlejuice. But the guy doesn’t have the temperament to be president – he should go back to narrating the “Thomas the Tank Engine” series.

Rush Limbaugh

Why wouldn’t the conservatives and Dittoheads want to cut out the middleman and just put this guy up for office? After all, he’s got all the answers, knows all the facts and he’s got 13.5 million listeners a week. But he’s also a college dropout, a drug addict, and he really pisses people off. Plus, he got fired from “Monday Night Football,” which doesn’t look so good on a résumè.

Ralph Nader

Ralph Nader is a great American – environmentalism, humanitarianism, consumer rights, democracy… the list goes on. He’ll never be president, of course. But because he’s popular enough to garner a good chunk of votes, usually pulled from the Democrat’s side of the aisle, he’s like the smart kid in high school who screws up the curve on the final exam. Nader may choose to run again. We’re respectfully asking him not to.

Al Gore

If you serve two terms as vice-president and still can’t get your party excited about your candidacy, if your wife crusades against Frank Zappa and the 2 Live Crew, if you get more votes than your opponent and still don’t win the election, then it’s time to realize that this may not be your game. Sorry, Al, but it’s just not gonna happen for you. You should keep on doing what you’re doing – it seems to agree with you.