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Ten Best! Things about moving back home

by Jesse Kiser

School’s out forever

Okay so the economy sucks and you lost your job, or you’re home from college, like me, and have to move back home into your parents’ basement. You don’t want to add your home address on your MySpace or Facebook as “mom and dad’s,” but you have to deal with it anyway. Your life will turn upside down as you have to share a bathroom with your sister, keep up with the dogs and cats, be home by a certain hour or be inspected by your mom as you leave — all depending on your situation. It is a horrible thought but, here is why it might not be so bad.

Think of all the money you will save

No longer are the days of running your baskets of dirty clothes down to the Laundromat. The most obvious reason to move back home: no need for rolls of quarters. If you’re lucky, you will have the Martha Stewart of mothers (minus the insider trading) and she will press your shirts like no dry cleaner can and bleach your whites unlike any other. And don’t forget ironing the creases to your jeans and pressing creases into your dress shirts. Also, free delivery back to your room. No longer do you have to be scared of the white envelopes with the clear plastic labels over your name. Those days of paying bills are gone. I could get used to this.

A lock is a suggestion

A door knock is no longer a polite request to enter but a warning that someone is all ready halfway in your room. One hand knocks and the other turns the handle. If you are lucky you will get a warning shout with seconds to either wrap the towel back around yourself or tell your girlfriend to hide in the closet. Privacy is no longer guaranteed, which can leave you tense and uneasy, and constantly checking the door to make sure no one is entering for a routine invasion or inspection.

Go straight to the fourth date

Normally it takes four dates to reach the point where your special someone meets your parents. Now when you take girls home you skip all that awkwardness and just go straight to the “meeting your parents” date almost immediately, because she has to meet your parents in order to get to your room. It saves time and gets you further into a relationship with little effort. Nothing turns your date on like the line, “Hey wanna go back to my place? My parents are asleep.” It’s like you’re 16 all over again.

No it’s not delivery

K&W Cafeteria is pretty good but it would be better if it were free. Well, now that you are living at home, dinner (most of the time) is free. No more grilled or pimento cheese sandwiches — you are in the big leagues now. It’s cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese for you. Dinners most nights are cooked for you, but for those nights your mom is not cooking, there are always frozen pizzas from the house freezer.

Nothing good happens after midnight

Hitting up Burke St. Pub a little late this Thursday? Well don’t worry about not getting enough sleep because mom will make sure you are home early. Saturday night too, because she will be down to wake you up for early church service the next morning. My parents say it’s not because I have a curfew, but that they don’t want me to wake them up by entering the house early in the morning. And yeah, mom and dad were right: Nothing good happens after midnight. But that’s why I never leave the house until 11 p.m. in the first place.

Time well spent

The impatience with siblings and parents is short lived. You fight over privacy and space, and bicker about other, sillier things on a daily basis, but in the future when you look back on your time with them, your memories will not focus on your impatience. Those memories you build with the ones you love are priceless and even if it is embarrassing to tell your friends that your roommates are your mom, dad and sister, and maybe you have to be home before 1 a.m., you still must remember that these days with them do not last forever.

Try my good one

You have a woman’s eye to check your outfit before you ever leave the house. With a lick on her thumb and a rub on your cheek, as God is your witness you will never be grimy again. Also, the ever so encouraging and uplifting, “You are not wearing that, are you?” Keeps you from taking off to dinner with friends in a brown jacket with black shoes — if that is even a fashion no-no. I don’t know. Also, I believe it prepares you for marriage.

Borrow mom’s car

Rising gas prices are killing us. But if your pockets are running low then have no fear, mom’s car will hopefully have enough gas to make it to the mall and back. And nothing feels as good as leaning back into leather seats that are not your own. Hopefully she’s got the fully loaded model that beats the heck out of the Civic hatchback you have been driving.

Pets

Another change of pace are the added roommates. You thought your loud, party-animal roommate cramped your style? Try a hundred-pound, sloppy bloodhound who wants to sleep with you. See if you don’t want your old roommate back before Spiky gets too comfortable in your sheets. Also the cats either don’t remember you or they remember the evil tricks you played on them because it will take some time to get on their good side again.

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