Ten Best: Xmas gifts for your old man

by Brian Clarey

A Robot lawnmower ($1,699.99)

Dads get screwed at Christmastime. The kids get more crap than they know what to do with, and any husband who knows what’s good for him makes sure he gets the mother of his children an appropriate gift. But all dads know that Christmas is not about them, so here’s a little wish list for all us poor schmucks who know they won’t be getting anything good this year, starting with this little number, the Robomow RL1000, which can handle up to an acre of lawn in about three hours. Also, it’s a robot, which is cool.

The Sonic Bomb SBB500ss ($42.95)

I don’t know if dads have a harder time getting up in the morning than regular people, but I know it isn’t easy. That’s why we need this Sonic Bomb alarm clock, which puts out 113 decibels of pure noise – which is just a sight louder than an airplane taking off – pulsing, flashing lights and a super-charged bed-shaker.

A Solaire 56 Inch Infravection Gas Grill ($14,662.40)

This may not be the most expensive barbecue grill in the world, but it’ll do. The Solaire has stainless-steel main burners that total 82,500 BTU, 1,000 inches of grilling area, pushbutton ignition, an all-weather refrigerator and folding side shelves. Throw in a big package of 24-ounce Wagyu beef steaks from Lobel’s ($589.98) and we are in business.

The million-dollar fishing lure ($1 million)

A million bucks might sound like a lot for a fishing lure, but this little baby from MacDaddy’s has three pounds of gold and platinum, and 4,753 diamonds and rubies totaling 10 carats. It’s also more than three feet long. But does it catch fish? How can it not? It’s made of diamonds and gold!

An adult treehouse ($5,000-$10,000)

For a price, Artisan Tree & Treehouse LLC out of Rosemont, Pa. will come to your yard and build the hut of your dreams. Think about it: a place to smoke cigars, play cards, watch football – all the things dads love to do, but in a tree! And once in a while you can have the little lady up there for a date, but only on special occasions, of course. I know I’m not the only dad in town who wants to build a treehouse in his backyard, but I may be the only one crazy enough to do it.

The 1983 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild Pauillac ($399.98)

Everybody likes booze. Well… almost everybody. But what dad wouldn’t want a bottle of this burgundy, widely acknowledged as one of the finest examples of the vintner’s art the world has to offer? It’s dark, with soft tannins and a bit of fruit and spice that emerge after decanting. Or you could just get us a bottle of the Macallan Fine and Rare 1926 ($38,000) which might be a bit pricey – it is, after all, the most expensive bottle of booze on the planet – but don’t you think we’re worth it?

The Paintball Panzer ($16,000)

This is a one-man mini tank used for paintball, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t even play paintball. But I really, really want one of these.

The Gold RC1 ($30,000)

This is the most expensive remote control in the world. It controls all your audio and video, and also your web browser, e-mail, alarms, air-conditioning and heating, lights and curtains. It can also feed your kids dinner and put them to bed. Just kidding. But still. Pair it with the world’s most expensive television (Runco’s MBX-1 at $250,000) and lounge chair (the Spluch, $2,000,000, made of fiberglass and aluminum) and you’ve got a ballgame.

A Honus Wagner baseball card ($1.1 million)

Did you know that baseball cards used to come free with tobacco? Did you know that Honus Wagner finished his career with the Pittsburgh Pirates with a .327 average and with 1,732 RBIs and was one of the first five members of the Baseball Hall of Fame? Did you know that some schmuck spent more than a million bucks on his baseball card on eBay? Wow.

Revive Intensite Volumizing Serum ($600/ounce)

As long as I’m asking, I might as well get something for the little lady. How about a tube of the world’s most expensive makeup? I don’t know what this stuff does to a woman’s face, but at $600 a pop, I know what it will do for my wife: It would make her furious that I spent so much money on something she’d wash off every night. And then she’d go ahead and use it anyway.