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Ten best!: Conspiracy theories

by Brian Clarey

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ten best ! Conspiracy theories

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US congressional districts up for sale

So yeah… seems the governor of Illinois took the Senate seat vacated by Presidentelect Barack Obama and just kind of shopped it around. Gov. Rod Blagojevich, a Democrat, figured the appointment was worth at least a couple-hundred grand a year, plus a little six-figure something or other for his lovely wife. My response: I knew it! Well, maybe not this exactly, but I suspect business like this goes on all the time. What follows are some of my favorite conspiracy theories. This is just the tip of the iceberg….

Obama rope-a-dope

C’mon, people. Isn’t it obvious? The funny last name? The missing birth certificate? That picture of him wrapped up in a bedsheet? That’s enough for Leo Donofrio, a professional poker player from New Jersey, who sued in his home state to prevent Obama’s name from appearing on the ballot, though the US Supreme Court declined to hear the case. Donofrio cites some technicality stating that since Obama’s Kenyan father was a British subject, the president-elect is not a “natural-born” citizen. To Donofrio’s credit, he says pretty much the same thing about Sen. John McCain. Plus there’s that whole thing about secretly enslaving the US to Islam. And terrorists.

Government flu shots = mind control

Let me see: a free (or really cheap) injection of some indeterminate substance issued directly by the Man? No thanks. The “flu shot” is just another way to keep tabs on us via a tiny microchip that’s implanted with each injection, so they can track our movements and tell which among us have high cholestorol or are illegal immigrants. The microchip is also equipped with a time-release mindcontrol serum that reacts with diet soda and the secret signals given off by our televisions. We won’t have our freedoms stolen in a bloody revolution. We’ll stand in line at a grocery store and give them away willingly.

9-11 hoax

Sure, I guess it’s possible for an untrained force to take over three American airliners with nothing more than balls and box-cutters. All I’m saying is, the World Trade Center did seem to come down in a controlled fashion; the bin Laden family got out of the country quickly and easily; you can’t make cellphone calls from airplanes flying at high altitude; and the damage to the Pentagon looked an awful lot like a missile strike. Terrorist attack, or first drastic step towards a Pax Americana?

Hormones

Our nation’s supply of meat and dairy products — milk, cheese, eggs, chicken, beef, pork — is saturated with growth hormones and other chemicals designed to maximize production. These hormones, once ingested, are triggered by high-fructose corn syrup and are turning our nation’s youth into a superhuman generation of listless and disrespectful television watchers.

Men on the moon

Yeah, right… like a nation of incompetent buck-passers like us could actually get it together enough to put a man on the moon. Do you know how much math that would involve? We can’t even find the most famous Arab in the world, let alone see to it that the trains run on time and the lights stay on. Also: That thing up there isn’t even real. After the first 50 years of the Industrial Revolution, the view of the moon was obscured by thick smog. What you look at each night is a facsimile placed by the Coca-Cola corporation in return for an exclusive contract with McDonald’s.

The British Royal Family are really reptilian shape-shifters

Honestly, this wasn’t one of my favorite conspiracies until I just now discovered it online. British author David Icke says that Christine Fitzgerald, a close confidant of Princess Diana, claims Diana told her the Royal Family’s dirty secret. From a July 1999 interview with Spectrum newspaper: “Christine Fitzgerald went on to tell me: ‘You know, the Windsors are a reptilian line, they’re not human.’ And that ‘the British Royal Family, and its inter-linking bloodlines, are actually reptilian, they come from a reptilian extraterrestrial race.’ And I’m thinking, ‘Bloody hell, not another one!’”

Las Vegas O 2 effect

Yes, I believe Las Vegas casinos pump pure oxygen into the room in order to keep people gambling. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I love going to Las Vegas casinos: free oxygen. And vodka.

The Gemstone File

In 1975, a freelance writer for Playgirl magazine named Stephanie Caruana crafted a 23-page digest of a file she claimed was more than 1,000 pages thick written by a dead man named Bruce Roberts. In it she synopsizes a decades long conspiracy theory that began in 1932 and shaped much, if not all, of life as we know it today. The names include Aristotle Onassis, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, Howard Hughes, the Kennedys, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and the Pope. And that’s all I’m prepared to say about that.

Election fraud in 2000

I say there’s no way that the 2000 election was on the level. So many disenfranchised voters. So much time between Election Day and the resolution. And it all came down to…what, Florida? And I guess it’s just a coincidence that Jeb Bush was governor of the Sunshine State at the time. Because we all know how honest governors are, when they’re not engaging the services of high-priced prostitutes, trying to fire their exbrother-in-laws or, you know, selling US Congressional seats.

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