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Ten best YES! Weekly staff lottery spendings

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Jordan Green, news editor

Uh yeah’… When I win the lottery, I think I’ll probably invest the proceeds in a franchise of the East Coast branch of the Colombian cocaine retail line. The initial winnings will multiply, and I’ll be able to support after-school programs to help Dudley and Smith high schools get out of academic probation. I know, I know’… the lottery is being set up to raise money for education, but one can’t be too sure that the General Assembly won’t cut existing funds as they plan for the anticipated windfall. It’s always a good idea to hedge your bets. You ask at what moral cost? I guess this is what you might call ‘“reform with results.’”

Benton James, distributor

Benton James, better known as the front man for Triad groove band the Urban Sophisticates, says the money wouldn’t change the focus of his life all that much. ‘“I’d buy a house in Greensboro,’” he says. ‘“Downtown. I’m a downtown kind of guy. And then I would just play music and chill out.’”

Brad Marley, account executive

How much is the big pot anyway? It’s always changing! Maybe they should have a minimum of $5 million at all times. So what would I do if I won the lottery? This is tricky because (and I’m not a man that can quote scripture word for word) the Bible states NO GAMBLING! But that’s the first thing I would want to do with the loot. I would give a large portion to the House of the Lord and start my own personal ministry/mission. Of course, I would divide the rest amongst my friends (even the ones that I didn’t know existed because you know they would come out of the woodwork) and then with my last $5 I would treat myself to a #5 combo at Wendy’s. No, you cannot have any of my fries. And no you cannot have your picture taken in front of my brand new Maserati. Until then, I will work my butt off and every once in a while get ahead of the game.

Amy Kingsley, staff writer

Geez Brian, I’m really tempted to quote David Lowery on this assignment. And although I’m sure all the girls on my block would love silver-plated six shooters and quarts of fine Highland Scotch, I feel like that might break a few state laws, or at least set the stage for some law breaking. No, if I hit the lottery, I’m splitting. There are plenty of places on this earth that I haven’t seen yet. Maybe I’ll buy myself an island ‘— something in the bargain basement, Dr. Moreau price range ‘— where I can cool my heels between jet-setting adventures.

Kenny Lindsay, graphic designer

I’ve been broke my entire life so I think I’d be more inclined to sit on a large sum of money and open a nice IRA or some sort of investment. Although if the situation became a reality, I would have to give it to my wife and keep a small chunk for my self to completely blow on inane, useless objects such as: beer, a dirt bike, a truck, a boat, computers, video games, hi-def TVs and anything else my whimsical heart might desire each day. I would then give the rest to a charitable organization of some sorts to help justify my irresponsible use of the money.

Lauren Cartwright, art director

If I won the lottery, I would buy lots of shoes, because a girl can never have too many of those. I would go on vacation to a place I’d never dream of going before hitting the jackpot. Then, with the rest of my loot, I’d put in a big pile sleep in every night. I’d probably keep my job and pay my co-workers who are stressing me out to leave me alone.

Brian Clarey, editor

Let’s assume that we’re not talking about scratch-off chump change here but one of those ping-pong ball megamillions jackpots, the kind that they give to you in a wheelbarrow. If I hit the big score hopefully I’d resist the temptation to drop my pants and show my flat white ass to anyone close enough to get a gander, hollering the whole time, and then use the millions to systematically track down everyone on my list and tell them what I really think. If I can keep my thirst for revenge under control I’ll pay off some student loans, upgrade my house, buy an obnoxious piece of jewelry for my wife and set the kids up with tidy education trusts so they won’t have to win the lottery to pay off their student loans. Oh, and I’ll have a solid-gold statue made of myself. Gold is a good investment.

Bryan Schoolfield, distributor

Driver Bryan Schoolfield says he’d do some traveling if he hit the big jackpot. ‘“I’d see the country first,’” he says. ‘“I’d like to visit New York City, the Florida Keys, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park, the redwoods.’” He also says he’d keep on delivering YES! Weekly just like always. ‘“Why? That’s a good question. I grew up on a farm and I’ve been working since I was old enough to walk.’”

Kevin Dickey, account executive

I would find a piece of land in Ireland, build an old-fashioned golf course with a really cool pub next to it, and retire there. There would be a sliding scale greens fee so everyone could afford to play and every night there would be killer music in the pub. I would probably fall off the wagon. Unhappiness would be virtually non-existent.

Charles Womack, publisher/intern

After my wife took her half, I would spend the remainder on a personal trainer to get back in shape (I hear Carmen Electra is good), hire a fashion consultant to take me shopping and pick out some great new outfits and then rent out First Horizon Park, hire the Black Crowes, Edwin McCain, Urban Sophisticates and several of my other favorites for an all-day rock festival. If anything was left, I would donate it to my favorite charity ‘— savetherhino.org. They are endangered, you know.

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