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Ways to Have Your Morning Ruined

by Christian Bryant

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ROAD CONSTRUCTION

If there’s one color that pisses me off during antemeridian hours, it’s orange. There always seems to be an orange cone or an orange “Detour” sign or an orange “Men Working” sign obstructing my path whenever I’m in a rush. I’m a bull and the men holding the flip “Slow/Stop” signs are morning matadors, purposefully getting me riled up. My routes to the YES! Weekly office and where I work for real money utilize the same two streets: Horse Pen Creek Road and Jefferson Road. Both streets have been backed up due to tax dollars hard at work. You can’t argue with the construction being done but automobile lines are painful, nonetheless.

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KIDS

I don’t know much about this one but according to several reliable sources, young children can be a bit unreasonable in the early-morning hours.

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COFFEE SPILLS

Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy has been the soundtrack to my life as of late. I’m quite proficient at reciting the lyrics verbatim and when I do so, I like to get into it. I perform in my car to blaring trumpet sounds and orchestral arrangements fitting for the apocalypse while onlookers and passersby get a muted version of whatever I’m doing. The hand gestures are key. These songs cannot be performed without hand gestures. One morning, I was so compelled to move my hands that I knocked over my coffee mug and spilled Dunkin Doughnuts

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Original Blend all over my winter coat. The mess was bad and I had to remain completely still to keep from exacerbating the spill. The damage left a long-lasting aroma of ground coffee beans on my person for the rest of the day.

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ANTS

I sat down to perform a much needed bowel movement one morning and was shocked to find an army of ants performing marching exercises along the bottom of the wall opposite where I was sitting. For fear of getting one of those creepy-crawlies on my clothes, I rushed what is supposed to be a delicate process and continued getting ready for a day that had been soiled. Puns intended.

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OVERSLEEPING

Is there anything worse than waking up from an unfinished dream, turning over to your alarm clock and noticing that you’re late for your earlymorning endeavor? The numerous reasons for these morning mishaps range from power outages to planning failures to crowning hangovers. I always go into this exaggerated panic when I oversleep only to rush out of the door and fulfill the requirements for the “Misplaced Items” portion of this list.

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MISPLACED ITEMS

During my interview with Erik and Charlotte Str’m of Lyndon Street Artworks, they revealed to me they share a single cell phone. Even then, there’s no telling who’s going to have the phone at any given time and whether or not they’ll pick up. Erik explained it by saying, “Cell phones are human ‘leashes.’” Truer words have never been spoken. To leave one behind or misplace it while performing a morning routine is an instant handicap. Other mentionables in this category are misplaced keys and missing socks.

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CAR ACCIDENTS

Fender benders are dreadful for those involved and a pain for anyone having to navigate around them. The whole process of collecting photographic evidence, establishing fault and exchanging insurance information is a hassle in itself. To a greater degree, a full-blown accident can leave you incapacitated for not just a morning but days or weeks at a time. Can I get a witness?

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CAR TROUBLES

I kick myself every time I go to start my car and discover that I left the lights on overnight or left the gas tank bone dry. It takes very little time and minimal effort to ensure that headlights are in the “Off” position and that the gas isn’t on E, yet it’s something that we all have done. If you’re late getting up and have to deal with this mess, your best bet is to chalk it up in the “loss” column and attempt to press the “restart” button the next day.

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BEING UNPREPARED

Mental lapses are unavoidable. For people who have their gears running all week long, it’s only a matter of time before getting to your destination and remembering that there’s something due… that hasn’t been done. That’s a priceless feeling and one that is all too familiar. I remember getting to class on time — a rarity — popping open my book and sitting quaintly while awaiting instructions from the professor. The moment the words “quiz” or “test” or “assignment(s)” were uttered, an overwhelming emotion of WTF took over and before I knew it, I was screwed. Morning: ruined.

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RED LIGHTS

There is a rhythm found within traffic and it is directly correlated with traffic lights. Some days you’ll experience an awesome rhythm where you ride the wave of green lights like a 20-foot swell. Other days — days when you actually have things to do — you’ll run into wall after wall of red lights, totally impeding any forward progression. This occurrence is a perfect ingredient to an instant headache. Red lights make even little old ladies say the F-word.

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