Weird tales to ponder

by Jim Longworth

Late-night comedians and their writing staffs are paid millions of dollars to make up jokes about anything and everything. Meanwhile, the funniest and most bizarre tales don’t require professional writers, because they are unfolding around us every day. Over the past few months I have collected and commented on some of the more comical, but true stories, and shared them with viewers of “Triad Today.” For those of you who missed them, here is a compilation of the more ludicrous happenings, beginning with a series of botched robberies and burglaries which seem to be occurring with more frequency.

Gummed-up robbery Back around the holidays, a man dressed as cartoon character Gumby was arrested for attempting to rob a San Diego 7-Eleven store. As it turned out, the man had no weapon, but police still handcuffed him, and then, appropriately, they threw him in the “Pokey”.

How to read a bank robber Last month, a Wheeling, WV man walked into a bank and gave the teller a handwritten note demanding cash. But the teller couldn’t read the robber’s chicken scratching, so she handed the note back to him. The man was embarrassed and angry, so he left in a huff with no money. The moral of this story is, “Crime doesn’t pay, and neither does illiteracy.”

Man’s best friend fights crime In Whittier, Calif., a naked man stole a Hummer limo and then led police on a high speed chase. The nude man then jumped from the vehicle and made a run for it on foot, only to be taken down by a teeth-gnashing police dog. The arrest, I’m told was painful, but that’s to be expected whenever you “take a bite out of crime.”

Candy Man burglar Back in February, a naked man broke through the glass door at an IGA Food World store in Kentucky and proceeded to cover his entire body with chocolate and peanut butter. Police arrested the candy man and charged him with indecent exposure and burglary. Amazingly, none of the nude man’s private parts were injured from the broken glass, but that’s probably because he was wearing a Reese’s Cup.

Naked justice Last month, a 300-pound man stripped down naked and walked into a Pennsylvania Walmart, where he proceeded to steal a pair of socks. The man was hit with a stun gun, arrested, and now cannot get an attorney to take his case. If he thinks the criminal justice system is a hassle, just wait until he tries to return the socks.

Not to disparage the good folks at McDonalds, but lately, some of the weirdest things have happened under the golden arches.

Potato problem Last month, a University of Georgia female soccer player was caught stealing an order of hash browns from the local McDonalds. The woman had stuffed the potato treat down her pants and tried to escape, but was arrested and then hauled off to jail. Now I know what women mean when they say that starches go right to their waist.

Drive-thru sex In February, a Burbank, Calif. woman was arrested outside of a local McDonalds because she was offering to have sex with anyone who would give her their chicken Mcnuggets. The woman was charged with prostitution which I think was unfair. After all, finding actual meat in a McNugget is the real “trick” in this case.

Chicken delight Last month a woman in Elkhart, Ind. was eating at McDonalds when she discovered feathers in her chicken McNuggets. No word yet on whether the woman will sue for damages in court, but rumor has it that with a trial likely, her McNuggets have been impounded, because they now pose a “flight risk.”

By hooker by crook In legal news, a Las Vegas woman is suing McDonalds for turning her into a prostitute. The lady of the evening says that the hamburger giant only paid her minimum wage, which drove her to find more profitable work. In a collateral action, I hear that both McDonalds and the prostitute are contesting the rights to use a common slogan: “Over 12 million served.”

Finally, an Australian man was arrested last month for mooning Queen Elizabeth. It seems that the naked man ran alongside the Queen’s motorcade, clinching an Aussie flag between his butt cheeks, so the Court charged him with indecent exposure and then fined him $800. That seems like a lot of money these days, but that’s what you get when all of your smarts are located “down under.”

Jim Longworth is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11am on WMYV (cable channel 15)