Winston-Salem erects monorail system

Winston-Salem will be getting a monorail system to better connect its downtown with outlying neighborhoods.

The idea was pitched at a Winston- Salem City Council meeting last week by out-of-town sharpie Lyle Lanley, who suggested the city use available federal stimulus funds combined with state and county incentives to hire his company, the Southern Corporation of Associated Monorails, to construct the public transportation line.

“Well, sir, there’s nothin’ on Earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, sixcar monorail!” Lanley said to the council and assembled crowd. “What’d I say?” “Monorail!” they all chanted in unison.

The monorail line would connect Wake Forest University, the Hanes Mall area and the eastern section with Winston-Salem State University to the downtown area, Langley said, and he assured everyone that it would be good for business, the environment and even the taxpayers of the city.

“Why, this baby runs on pure electricity,” he enthused, “and we all know where electricity comes from: You can get it right from your wall!” Using fancy, lyrical language, almost like a song in a musical, Lanley painted a picture of the whispering monorail, cruising through a modern city’s interconnected neighborhoods as we enter into a new century, as something crucial to the city’s growth.

“I swear it’s Winston’s only choice/ throw up your hands and raise your voice!” he sang.

Lanley guaranteed that the monorail would fit in with the city’s overall aesthetic as well.

“We’ve been looking at Winston- Salem for a long time,” he said. “We’ve seen the Wachovia Tower. We know about the Winston- Salem Dash. Believe me, the monorail cars will fit right in.”

Council voted 8-1 in favor of the measure, with West Ward Representative Robert C. Clark the lone dissenting vote.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said afterwards. “This whole thing happened on ‘The Simpsons’ like 20 years ago. With the song and everything.”

East Ward Representative Derwin Montgomery justified his “yea” vote by noting, “An affordable and convenient public transportation system is the kind of thing that brings cities together, fosters jobs — not just for the monorail line itself but also for people who will have an easier time getting to work or school,” he said. “Plus, you’ve got to love that song.”

(April fools)