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YES! Weekly’s ten best personal ads

by Amy Kingsley

Train in the BUFF!

Craigslist

Craigslist is truly a repository of desires, perversions and, most of all, stuff we don’t really need. The entry titled “In home naked personal trainer” might be the perfect Craigslist entry because it encompasses all three categories. From the ad: “To demonstrate IN THE BUFF some very useful techniques to maintain that sculptured appearance.” Hmmm… very useful indeed.

biwmw seeks mwcdtgtv

Craigslist

Confused by the flood of acronyms? Don’t worry, the author of this consonant-heavy title makes his intentions clear in the body of the post: “Married bicurious man wants someone to feminize me and make me their wife, girlfriend, cuckold husband, sissy, whatever.”

Looking for a movie date

Craigslist

The genius who placed this innocuous-sounding ad in the “Platonic” section on Wednesday afternoon did not give curious companions much lead time: “anybody want to go see the new movie The Hitcher this Thursday afternoon? im a 38 year old white male i have red hair blue eyes im 5′ 10″ tall weigh around 169lbs. any takers? we can see it at the westend theatre on church st. in burlington.” Ladies uninterested in hitchhiking-themed horror flicks need not apply.

Frozen Barbie Looking for Ken

Posted Jan. 7 on Craigslist:

“Dear Ken,

I’m in pieces. Why the cold shoulder?

Love,

Barbie”

There is no reply from Ken.

Can I please for the love of god find…

Craigslist

Lest you think I’m being overly hard on male personals posters, I present to you, in part, a screed by a 25-year-old woman destined for terminal singledom. “Can I please for the love of god find a man that doesn’t think we are having sex the first week we meet????? My god. it’s so disgusting.” She spends 30 lines describing a life defined by reality television and disappointment with men, and then she invites potential suitors to respond with a few lines of their own. Really, she is not looking for much, just “someone that puts the car window down when they fart, throws away their OWN beer bottles, and has a job.”

Punk rock love

Craigslist

Sure it’s hard to avoid clichés while trying to put your best foot forward on a personals site. Still, it’s probably a good idea to avoid admitting your intimacy problems in the first few lines. “Hi, I am a punk rocka. I don’t trust no one. I like drugs and alcohol. But no drug addicts or alcoholics, duh. I am 5’11, 145 lbs, and have a particularly bad attitude. If you are under 6’0 please go away. I cook, I clean, and I am an English major at UNCG. I am moving to San Francisco in 1.5 years.” Maybe she earns points for terrifying honesty?

Funny, fun, outgoing, smart… me

Yahoo! Personals

Also in the bringing-way-too-much-baggage-from-previous-relationships file: “Oh man, where do I start? If you’re a liar, save it because I’m allergic to BS.” Hey smart guy, you probably should have started somewhere else.

jerry wants a real honest woman

Yahoo! Personals

Don’t refer to yourself in the third person in the title of your post. Also, don’t post drunk. “well my name is jerry and I’m 34 years old, I’m looking for a woman that can do for a man than a man doing all the time for a woman. theres nothing wrong for a woman to do for there man…” Sic, sic, sic, etc., ad infinitum.

Hubba hubba

Yahoo! Personals

“i’m the lord of scum I am the worst person anyone could possibly hook up with im looking for a person to play off me in this wretched game.” Yahoo! Personals wouldn’t let me read anymore of hubba’s profile without creating one of my own, but I’d bet money he’s a Neil LaBute fan.

SWM seeking a Lady to travel to lifestyle events

Craigslist

I’m going to confess my naiveté on this one. I don’t know whether the capitalization of the word “lady” has any significance, nor do I know to what “lifestyle” the events he refers to are catering. Try decoding for yourself: “Bisexual is a plus of course but not required either as long as you enjoy fun, open to new things or curious about the lifestyle let’s meet and talk.” The italics are mine.

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