YES! Weekly’s ten best things about global warning

by Brian Clarey

Durham beach

I swear to God it used to snow on Christmas when I was a kid. But these days it’s possible to get a sunburn on the golf course on Christmas Day. So I’m fairly convinced that global warming is real – a slow ride to hell on earth and we’ve all got tickets. But I like to think that nothing is monolithic, that there must be an upside to global warming. And there is. For starters, much of the Carolina coast will be obliterated when the ocean levels rise, which means it’s possible to have oceanfront property in the Triangle. Here in Greensboro we’ll be much closer to the beach.

Pigment leveling

It’s gonna get hot, y’all, when the greenhouse gasses get dense up in here. Sauna hot. Convection oven hot. And here in the South expect the noonday sun to be able to fry us like ants under the magnifying glass of a mean, mean kid. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After constant exposure to heavy doses of ultraviolet rays we’ll all have some serious melanin going on, necessitating deep bronze tans on everybody, even the Irish. And a dividing line between races of humans will be erased.

Thin will be in

When the big one goes down we will be forced to accept at least some of the responsibility. In turn we will place limits on the emissions we put into our atmosphere, which means no more driving to the corner store. We’ll walk more, ride bikes, maybe get a pair of those cool shoes with the wheels hidden in them. Either way, the obesity epidemic will be over. A good thing, because…

We’ll see more skin

Ask any hip hop fan what comes right after It’s getting’ hot in here! That’s right, shorties: Now take off all your clothes! Or most of them, anyway. We’re talking tube tops, microskirts, mesh evening wear. It’s gonna be off the hook.

Texas becomes biggest state in the union.

After Alaska melts. It’s an old joke.

Exploration of the poles

After the polar ice caps melt into slushies, we’ll be sure to find some frozen mastodons or sabertooth tigers or cavemen or something in the sludge. Also, exploration of the poles by foot will no longer be the exclusive province of bearded white professorial types – we can even build a Six Flags on each one.

Santa gets a makeover

Let’s face it, the guy hasn’t has an image upgrade since he put on the big red suit. But if he’s going to keep his digs on the warmer and wetter North Pole he might want to dress for the milder elements. I’m thinking Hawaiian shirts – they can be very slimming,

Ice age, the sequel

It’s not gonna stay warm for long after we hit the record highs. After the glaciers begin to melt the oceans will decrease in temperature (all that ice, you know). This will cause havoc with the warm water currents that run north and south and dictate much of our weather patterns. So it will get real hot, then it will get real cold for a while. A long while. But every couple eons an ice age is a necessary check on the globe’s inhabitants. Going by the old maxim, if we survive it, we will be much stronger.

Satisfaction for the environmentalists

Many, many environmental activists, I believe, would gladly suffer the torments of full-on global warming – even if it meant another ice age – if they could only get to say to their Republican relatives, “I told you global warming is real.” Nothing tastes as sweet as righteous indignation.

What global warming?

Despite a calculably rising global temperature, warnings from real scientists and the fact that cherry blossoms bloomed in Brooklyn last week, there are people in this country (some very highly placed, I hear) who still think global warming is nothing more than a fallacious, pot-induced fascination of college students and hippies. Like Widespread Panic.