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Commentaries and random thoughts from 2015

Each week I use the last few moments of my “Triad Today” television show to comment on weird and wacky stories in the news. Here are some of the weirdest and wackiest from the last half of 2015.

TASTING POSITIVE

A father and son crime team from Oregon was recently arrested for stealing $70,000 worth of pregnancy strips which they apparently thought were teeth whitening strips. Asked what his first brush with the law was like, the son said the whole thing had left a bad taste in his mouth.

DUMB GUN

Russian President Vladimir Putin says he’s ready to test out a new weapon that can diminish your mental capacity. “Too late,” said the ten Republican Presidential candidates.

APE IS ENOUGH

Primate scholars are all aglow because last week a baboon in the London Zoo learned how to floss his own teeth. Encouraged by his progress, zoo officials now say the baboon is ready to take part in the next Republican debate.

LENGTH MATTERS

The Journal of Consumer Psychology reports that a man whose index finger is shorter than his ring finger, is more likely to spend money on his girlfriend. Conversely, men who spend NO money, GET the finger from their girlfriend.

POPPINS PERP

An English nanny was arrested last week for stealing $280,000 from the family she was employed by. The nanny was picked up after spending part of the loot at a Disney resort. Authorities say they were tipped off about the fugitive nanny by a letter they received from Jane and Michael Banks.

BIGFOOT SIGHTING

A man from Boone claims that he and his dog saw Bigfoot while vacationing in Henderson County. Police didn’t doubt the Bigfoot story so much as wondering why anyone would vacation in Henderson County.

A PENNEY’S SAVED

A female employee at a J.C. Penney store was recently sent home by her boss because he said the shorts she was wearing were far too revealing, and not appropriate for work. The woman was naturally confused because she purchased the shorts at J.C. Penney, in the “career” section! Let that be a lesson to you. Never buy work clothes where you work.

CHECK POINT CHICKIE

A Texas State Trooper has been arrested for prostitution because he offered to pay a woman for sex after having stopped her for speeding. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, “Police Cruiser.”

SMART FOOD

The University of Vienna in Austria has released a new study that says IQs are on the rise in the United States. Asked if he was pleased with the Vienna report on intelligence, former President George Bush said, “Yeah boy, and I love their tiny sausages too.”

THUNDERBALLS

White pop singing legend Tom Jones says he is undergoing a DNA test because he wants to see if he is really Black. Asked if this is a rare procedure, one doctor said, “It’s not unusual.”

SIGNAL BOOSTING

A woman in Costa Rica recently stole a plasma TV from a store by putting the TV between her legs and hiding it under her dress. The woman was arrested outside the store, but authorities wondered two things: How was she able to put a TV between her legs? and, How does she change the channels?

WATER ,WATER EVERYWHERE

According to the Centers for Disease Control, when you get red eyes after swimming in a public pool, it’s not from the chlorine. It’s from urine discharged by other people. Which begs the question: If pee causes red eyes, what causes brown eyes?

GETTING CARDED

For his 106th birthday, a Grand Rapids man received 106 birthday cards. Said the man, “It beats the birthday when I turned 101. Those Dalmatians are eating me out of house and home.” !

JIM LONGWORTH is the host of “Triad Today,” airing on Saturdays at 7:30 a.m. on ABC45 (cable channel 7) and Sundays at 11 a.m. on WMYV (cable channel 15).

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