ten best!: amusingly pointless blogs

by Ryan Snyder

Hot chicks with douchebags What is it that attracts beautiful women to orange spray tans, chinstrap beards and hairstyles inspired by Hellraiser’s Pinhead? We’ll probably never know, but Hot Chicks with Douchebags provides a hilarious, ongoing commentary of the best of the worst ’roided, kissy-faced bromeos and pseudo-studs in mesh shirts and the women who love (like?) them. There is karmic retribution for these gents, however, and it manifests itself in the form of an ice-cold critique of the lifestyle that demands the rather blanket term “douchebaggery.” A special kind of antikudos goes out to the Oompa Loompa in the pink sport coat and powder blue pants that, legend has it, started it all.

This is why you’re fat There are several reasons why it might be true, including genetics, sedentary lifestyles or a six-pack a day. Then there’s the Porkgasm, found on This is Why You’re Fat. This shrine to disgustingly delicious foods owes a debt to the truly imaginative amateur chef in all of us and features dishes that no one in their right mind should ever consume, but has anyway. If you care not for your arteries or your waistline, then dive right into treats like bacon-wrapped mozzarella sticks, hot-dog pie or the McGangBang with impunity. It’s no coincidence that many of these meals involve the creative use of bacon, but that’s no surprise considering the proliferation of blogs dedicated solely to the Wonderfood. Passive-aggressive notes There has to be some way to convey the proper level of displeasure regarding an interpersonal issue in a completely roundabout way, right? Consider Passive- Aggressive Notes for a little creative impetus. It provides great reference material for disgruntled spouses to tell their significant other that the empty toilet paper roll should be changed; to get roommates to clean up their cats’ nasty litter boxes; or for HR personnel to remind employees to label their lunches. The latter is of special note, because those HR folks could always use a little more help in being passive-aggressive. Secret tweet Have you been looking for a way to anonymously share your every indiscretion with the entire world? Then look no further than Secret Tweet. This Twitter offshoot allows you all the form and function of its progenitor without all of that irksome IP address logging. Whether you’re carrying on a secret double life online, marrying merely for material reasons or just want to come out of the closet to no one in particular, feel free to post it here. The internet won’t judge you, because it can’t find out who you are.

F*** my life It’s closely related to Secret Tweet, even though it lacks the anonymity, but the decidedly darker nature of F*** My Life deserves its own mention. There aren’t many better ways to lift your own spirits than by reveling in the misfortune of others and this one does just that. Check out this little nugget that’s sure to put a sick smile on your face: “Today, a man in my town was arrested for hiding methamphetamine in a hollowed out walking cane and distributing it to the population of his retirement complex. That man was my 58-year old father. FML.”

I can haz cheezburger? If you’ve ever heard of the internet, then chances are high that you’ve seen a picture of a cute “kitteh” with some silly caption in broken web-English. Sure, cats are hilarious and occasionally incredibly annoying, but would have been impossible to guess that this was the formula an internet phenomenon. I Can Haz Cheezburger? is the central repository for the adventures of Ceiling Cat, Monorail Cat and the bucket-loving LOLrus (RIP), all of whom are in your interwebz making you LOL.

Stuff white people like In addition to dancing funny, white people sure do have some rather peculiar tastes. Among the best of them are studying abroad, Frisbee sports, black music that black people don’t listen to anymore and ugly sweater parties. If you’re white and fancy yourself knowledgeable of your own cultural tendencies, then think again. Stuff White People Like offers a wealth of insight about the preservation of jazz and the blues, proper grammar and indie music. Now, excuse me while I prepare for this Oscar party. Garfield minus Garfield We all love Garfield and his forays into laziness, selfishness and gluttony, probably because his shortcomings parallel many of our own unacknowledged vices. In some alternate reality, the focus of the strip would be his dweebish owner Jon Arbuckle and the plethora of neuroses that plague his being. That reality has, in fact, come to exist and it removes every other character from the equation altogether. Garfield Minus Garfield bills itself as “a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.” It’s a lighthearted existential crisis and the best part about it all is there’s no Nermal to be found. Awful announcing Remember the overtime football game between Georgia and Alabama in 2007 when Mike Patrick, at one of the most intense moments in the waning seconds, had an important question to ask. Co-commentator Todd Blackledge seemed dumbfounded that Patrick could focus on anything but the moment at hand, but what he would hear next would be forever enshrined in the Awful Announcing Hall of Fame. “What’s Britney Spears doing with her life?” he contemplated, as Georgia scored the winning touchdown only moments later. Good to know what’s on your mind Mike.

Fail blog Failure can be such a glorious thing to behold, especially when it’s completely unrelated to you own travails. FAIL Blog provides an ongoing photographic narrative of ridiculous people, places and things and the utter pwnage that they incur. Transporting cattle in the back of a Suburu? FAIL. Printing a textbook with the title “Bacsic Reading Skills?” Utter FAIL. A weatherman wearing a tie the same color as his Green Screen? Epic FAIL. There’s failure for every occasion and it’s always funny, until it happens to you.