You knew Obama was Hitler’´s grandson, right?
With the end of the interminable campaign finally in sight and their team hopelessly behind, the McCain-Palin camp is finally hauling out the heavy artillery. All their Hail Marys have been caught by the trombone player, all their scurrilous robocalls answered by Marlee Matlin, all their slime-slinging landing in joyless Mudville. It’s two outs in the bottom of the ninth and Mighty Johnah McPalin is about to strike out unless something drastic is done.
Even with all the ammo at their disposal trained directly at Sen. Barack Obama, it may not be enough, but, hey, if you’re gonna smear, go ahead and smear big. Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers, ACORN, Joe the Plumber, calling him a socialist-celebrity-elitist, not-ready-for-prime-time player have all been ineffective, so it’s time to pull out all the stops. In lieu of any ideas that might actually improve the quality of life for America and the world, the McCain war room has been busy designing a last-ditch strategy that will make their other smears pale in comparison. Forget insinuating that he’s a Muslim, communist, un-American homo — that’s lightweight stuff. With a week to go, desperate times call for desperate measures, so I fully expect that they’ll get all the 527s, Swiftboaters, Rove hatchetmen, leftover neo-cons and assorted gutter-dwellers in the same room and come up with a plan. Given that any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental and, in fact, unnecessary, it should take fear-mongering, pandering, slander, appealing to the lowest common denominator and making stuff up as you go along to new lows.
So far the GOP Slime Machine has come up with four scenarios catering to a) the conspiracy theorists, b) the fearful, c) the paranoid, and d) the End-of-Days Righteous Right, and is now trying to figure out a way to make one of them sound even remotely plausible.
The first smear states unequivocally that Obama is Hitler’s illegitimate grandson and, as such, shares most if not all of his Nazi ideas. Forget this notion I heard on Neal Boortz’s radio show last Wednesday that Obama was really flying to Hawaii to destroy his birth certificate that proves he was not born in the US and thereby ineligible for the presidency. No, the real reason is that the document proves he’s descended from Hitler. How hard would it be to produce a phony birth certificate and leak it to Fox?
Plan B involves kidnapping ex-Weatherman, current college professor William Ayers and replacing him with an exact double. Have him plant some bombs in conspicuous places so that he’ll be easily caught. Then put him through the third degree so that he’ll confess that it was, in fact, Barack Obama who paid him to do it. Have him concoct a story that they’d been working undercover since Obama’s community organizing days to take over Chicago, then Illinois and finally the whole country with the objective of imposing a communist dictatorship. By the time it begins to unravel, McCain will be in the White House and Palin running the Senate.
If that doesn’t move the polls within a couple of days, trot out Plan C. In this one they manufacture some evidence that Barack Obama actually piloted one of the hijacked planes on 9-11. Remember, three of the planes had five terrorists but the fourth, Flight 93 that crashed in Pennsylvania, only had four. Obviously that’s because the cowardly Obama parachuted out when the passengers rushed them.
Find some farmer in the flight path who’ll swear he found a light-skinned black man wondering around in a field that morning. School him on the talking point, “I didn’t think much about it at the time, but now I realize it was Barack Obama.” Plant the remains of a parachute nearby, send a toadie out to find it and, voila, you’ve got plausibility.
Finally, if none of those makes a dent in Obama’s lead, go for the gusto. Get a few snake-handlers who’re convinced Armageddon will surely ensue once Obama’s elected — believe me, they’re out there — and pay them in cash and hookers to swear that Barack Obama is the devil. I don’t mean an agent of the devil like Bush or spawn of the devil like Cheney, I mean Satan himself. Beelzebub. Lucifer. Belial. Nixon.
Teach them to shed a few Bakkerian, Swaggertesque tears and turn Jesus into a five-syllable word — Juh-HE-uh-zuh-sa — and swear that they’ve had visions of Satan and he looks exactly like Barack Obama, except with horns and a tail. Then have some wingnut nerd get to work in Photoshop creating the exact vision the guys in the lime green polyester suits and garishly mismatched Rush Limbaugh ties described. Put that baby out on YouTube and within hours you’ve got a disgraced candidate.
Wait, there’s one more. Get a young, female McCain volunteer to say she got robbed and beat up by a black guy who, upon finding she worked for McCain, cut a backwards B in her face. Make it look good by getting her to give herself a black eye and make sure the B is readable, albeit backwards. That would let the craven masses know that an Obama victory guarantees a black militant uprising, that no white women would be safe from being raped by the emboldened thugs, that Black Power now rules.
Nah, that one’s way too far-fetched. Not even Rove on his worst day would try to pull that one off. Let’s go with the devil.
Ogi may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and seen on “Triad Today” hosted by Jim Longworth on ABC 45 at 6:30 a.m. Fridays and on WMYV 48 at 10 p.m. Sundays.